The Only Star In His Sky

baby, let's cruise away from here

2006-02-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

he got off the bracelet today.

things have been so terrifyingly wonderful between us. we have a bank account. we are getting a truck. we are getting an aquarium. we sit and talk for hours and kiss fondle like addicts with dope laced skin. no fights, no hurt feelings, no looking back...everything...all is love. i have never been happier with both a man or myself. i wish i could find the words to explain it. but i can't. words are trite and undescriptive. the only way to express what i feel now is to make words up, but even that would take away from the simple beauty that one finds when one finally lets go...and just loves.

yes...up until today, since 12/28, things were heaven for the two of us. we are closer than we have ever been...more open, receiving, and caring...we are who we want to be where we need to be.

up until today.

today he got the bracelet off.
a month from now he'll be maxed out for good.
i am scared shitless.

scared he'll go back to the streets hard and be like he was before. like, fuck her. like, i don't need her. like, she'll be there as long as i keep her there. like, as long as the dumb bitch love me, everything i do is gravey. like, i never made any promises. like, it is what it is. like, fuck everybody. like, goodbye. scared i say i am because i don't want to see this guy come back. because the moment he does show his narrow head around my door, i will slam it in his face and walk away and not look back this time. yes, things have been wonderful, but before, they weren't. and right before they became wonderful, i had one foot out of the door. i had found my strength. i still have that strength. no matter how much i love him, if he gets his ass up on his shoulders with me again, he will be out of my life in that capacity, and i won't have no problem sticking to it. but i don't want to be that girl anymore than i want him to be that guy. i want us to be us...this entity that we have transformed into...this reflection of love, happiness, and grace. it has been so easy...so wonderful...but i know it's not my job to keep us like this. it's his. it's his turn to fight and make moves and prove positive. i can't keep fighting on my own. so if he doesn't fight, i have to go. if he hugs the streets, i have to go. if he gets his back up, i have to go. no fighting, no crying, no trying...just fading back...not even noticed as gone until it's too late. that's it. i am resigned to this. i have been preparing for it. i don't want it, gone...i don't want to lose us...but at the same time, if he doesn't think we're worth fighting for or making at least a few sacrifices, then we shouldn't be here...it's just a waste of time...a lie.

my baby got off the bracelet today.

we have never been so happy together.

we have hopes and dreams and shared realities now.

he tells me how much he loves me and needs me and how i am the one.

yet...i can't stop myself from shaking right now...

i can't help but feel like someday soon

it will be goodbye.

because without you i'm sick

2006-01-19T16:35:00.000-05:00

i love this picture. it's on my desktop at work. it's the picture that comes up when he calls. he looks so good in it. he's making me as obsessed with his image as he is.

i've been dog sick. laid up in the bed for days sick. he hadn't called me all last week, and it was cool. he called friday and we were on the phone for hours. same for saturday night. then again on monday. it was really sweet. we talked about businesses and what kind of businessman he could be. he said we should start our own thing. i tell him things and then i always let him know that i'm not talking about us doing it or he could do it with fatboy or whoever and he says no, we could do it together. the funny thing was, i could tell he missed me. he seemed upset when he found out i was sick because he knew i couldn't come see him. but we stayed on the phone, and each time i said i could let him go he insisted on staying on the phone.

tuesday he wanted to come see me, but couldn't. yesterday he was late coming to see me, so he could only stay a few minutes. but when he came, he acted like i had the plague and we playfully sniped at each other, but when he left, my feelings were a bit hurt. i was so happy to see him, but i looked a wreck and my lip was all busted and i smelled like vicks vapor rub and i was kinda sweaty because i had just put my lotion on my face. so yeah...i looked really sick yesterday, and i didn't want to look him in the face and he left to go catch a ride...with another girl. i left to go to work and he was still out there, standing in the middle of the street talking on the phone and smiling at me. i shook my head and smiled back and got into the car. i pulled off to leave, but stopped to ask him if he needed a ride. he said she was on the way. he blew me kisses and and cat called me over to him with a cig, so i pulled next to him and talked to him for a few minutes while he waited. it's just his friend, meeka, i know...but still. i was...put off. he promised to chrip me before going to hop in her car.

hours passed. no chirp. i called. no answer. i called. no answer. that old felling was coming back. i was livid. i was imagining him with her and just ignoring my calls. i figured...here we go. few more weeks to go and he's going to start his shit. but...i reigned myself in somehow. i figured it was no big deal. he had gotten up really early and did a bunch of stressing and went through a bunch of bullshit and running around all day. he either just didn't want to talk...or was sleep. so i figured i'd chirp him, one last time and then be done. he answered. he had been sleep. we talked for 20 minutes, with him acting upset we didn't get any qt and me mad that he acted like i was contagious. then he asked me to come see him...and i knew. nothing with meeka. he missed me. he wanted to see me. he wants me. i told him i couldn't, but promised to come tonight. i'm hoping i won't have to go though. i'm really tired and my nose is running and i am mad unattractive right now. it's not like we can make out. but i sooooooo want to just be with him...for just a little while....

and i am so proud of myself...pulling my shit together before freaking out and acting the fuck up and ruining this peace i have...we have. things are so good right now. it's so awesome to love someone as much as i love him...and to finally feel like he loves me back without second guessing all of the time is amazing.

but still like i said...one day at a time...
we just might make it after all.

if i had one wish

2006-01-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

that night...under the stars holding hands and whispering secrets...

changed me...

changed us.

since then, i dare to say we have been happy. we have found a groove. still no commitments, no...but we are growing with each other without really noticing. we talk of children. i am thinking about becoming a muslim (not for him, but asking for guidance in things he knows). he is buying an aquarium that will stay with me. he is going to have his clothes at my place. he's been more attentive. he calls! i did his laundry this weekend and we saw each other for long hours last week. he's going to get my car done. he gives me pretty compliments. he jokes about his key. we say i love you...so...purely. there is no dubiousness or worry or resign in it. we say it like it is the most precious. i have not cried over him since new year's. i feel hope for us.

i feel hope for us.

i feel hope.

i feel.

i...

am happy. i don't know what happened or what changed or what's going on and i don't care. he calls...he doesn't call...it doesn't matter. i don't fall apart. it doesn't mean everything is wrong if he doesn't. it doesn't mean everything is right if he does. it just is. i don't know if this will last...this lull...this calm...this eye...i don't know if there's still a storm brewing just out of my sight that i am steadily moving towards. i don't care. i see him and i hate him and i love him and i kiss him and i hold him and i never let him go, even when we are apart. we move in motions couples know, dances only the professionals dare to tap out. yes...we are dancing, dancing, dancing....even if we blindly waltz right over a cliff, i wouldn't care. i am so happy right now.

i am so happy right now.

i am so happy.

i am so.

i am.

i...

love.

when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?

2005-12-28T19:40:00.000-05:00

i called him last night. i was feeling lethargic after writing about him here, there, and the other place, so i needed to hear his voice. i needed to call and have him not answer so i would be justfied and leave a message breathing about how i only wanted to call to say i love you.

but he picked up the phone. he answered and his voice was warm and inviting and inquisitive and i was wary as i responded to his probes, finally relenting to my elation in his answering my call by agreeing to stop and bring him some cigs. i don't know why i did it, i just did. i can't lie and say i didn't want to see him, but i will lie and say that it was exactly what i'd wanted.

he got into the car and smiled his devious grin, his teeth big and white against his dark skin and i had to smile back...it was just too beguiling not to. and we talked a bit aimlessly, until he went on about how short i am...and then somehow, our conversation found purpose. he leaned and kissed me, hugging me close in "butter up" mode, as i asked him what he had wanted for xmas. he smiled. i asked again. he asked for kisses. i cut my eyes at him and asked again. he put my hand on his crotch and kissed my ear. i giggled and asked again. he kissed all over my face. i pouted and pulled away and asked again. he mentioned the phone bill. being as i was expecting to have to blow more than that on him, i agreed. he thinks it's more than it is anyway. i grinned at him and asked for more kisses. he smiled big and leaned in to oblige.

and so we talk some more.

for almost 4 hours, he sat there holding and stroking my hand while we talked about everything possible...besides us. at least not directly. we talked about love, dreams, work, money, and resolutions. we talked about friends and somehow he started a conversation about loyalty and devotion and that somehow led to me. he was saying something about trusting people and how he doesn't like to tell people his problems because he knows they really don't give a fuck about it.
i don't say shit to people because i know they could care less. i mean, maybe they might say a few words and act all sympathetic, but the moment i walk away, they don't give a fuck about me or my problems.
well...no...i don't think that's true...
i'm not talking about you.
i didn't think you were, i'm just saying...
i mean, there's some people, a couple of people, that might feel my pain...but most would only see it. they don't feel my pain or give a fuck about me flipping out or crying or breaking down or anything...so why even open yourself up to that shit? it's better to just keep to myself and figure shit out on my own. honestly, the only person i can talk to about everything...is you. i don't know what it is. i can tell you any and everything and not feel stupid or embarrased or afraid that you will throw it into my face later on or judge me about it. we're just fly like that. i can confess anything. you're like...my diary, you know? i come to you and i pour my heart out about things i can't talk to no one else about and i'm alright. i swear, you keep me sane. if i didn't have you, i'd probably snap or breakdown or something. it's...i can't explain it. my diary...yeah. wow...i don't know how we got started on this, but...you know what i mean?
yeah...exactly what you mean.

he held my hand tighter as he said this to me, and i sat there listening and nodding, seeing how i really was his confessor, and that was why he tells me all the shit he does, even when it hurts me. i honestly don't think he can help it. sometimes, he gets talkative and reflective and exposed and he pours everything that comes to his mind into me...good and bad. the more he talked, the more i understood him. we fogged up the windows and i had to smack his hands to keep him from drawing more pictures. we smiled alot. we laughed alot. we talked alot. we snuggled alot. it was the most beautiful night i've ever had with him...sitting in the quiet under the stars with my hand cuddled in his as our foreheads kissed. he told me he loved me a few times. he kept asking for kisses. he would stroke my face or thigh with his other hand. he spoke low and quiet and excitedly. he never tried anything more adventurous than holding my hand while stealing a kiss. it was so nice.

for hours, us, like that we were. so loving and peaceful and complete...something so different about his manner and direction. he was tired and drowsy, but every time i told him to go, he would wake up a bit, cuddle me close and talk about something else. the whole time never letting go of my hand. i've never felt more precious.

before he got out, he mentioned how he hadn't tried to make a move or anything...asking if i'd noticed.
yeah...i kind of got that.
good.
why not?
because i didn't want you to think i only wanted you hear for that. we are more than that...so much more. i was content just sitting next to you and holding your soft little hand while you made faces at me. that's why i wanted to see you tonight...just to see you, be with you...and show you that you mean more to me than just some chick i call for ass.
ah...thank you.
it's the least i can do. you deserve it.
thank you, baby.
ah...nothing.
well go ahead in. i don't know why you won't go in...
i could sleep just like this.
you didn't have to stay out so long.
i wanted to.
but you're so tired! why not just go in? you don't need to stay with me.
like i said...you deserve it. anything for my boo boo.
*smiles*
alright bay. i'm a go eat me some cereal and go the fuck to sleep. alright. now you drive safe. be careful bay...serious. call me when you get home.
you'll be sleep.
so...i'll wake up in the morning and see that you're home safe and that's all i need. i love you, thea. give me a kiss.
*kiss*
i love you too.
alright. love you. bye.
bye.

and i sped off and on to home, feeling soft and beautiful and loved and content. last night, he gave me something he hasn't given me in years. he gave me peace. and my heart finally decided what i have to do...

all is calm, all is bright

2005-12-27T18:30:00.000-05:00

he came to see me last week. it was just last week, but it feels like another lifetime.

yes, last wednesday, he "accidentally" chirped me and woke me up...oddly out of dreams about him coming to see me. so i was rightly freaked out when his voice filled the room, especially since i didn't know i had reactivated the r-link. i answered, he apologized, i hung up. he didn't call back. i was livid. i mean, ok...had he even noticed that we hadn't spoken in like a week and the first time we do finally speak, we don't even have a conversation? didn't that bother him?

so i go to get dressed, so angry that tears film my eyes, and finally i pick up the phone to link him back and curse him out. as i begin to puch the button, my phone vibrates and i have a missed call. he had linked me just as i was trying to link him. i call him back. he says it was a mistake again. i can feel the sadness in the back of my throat as i croak ok and move to hang up, when he tells me to hold on, asks me what's been going on and what i've been up to. and we talk.

after we hung up, he called back like 10 minutes later. he asked me to give him a ride. i flipped out but he said he was right around the corner at the train station. he had been talking to me the whole ride. i told him i could give him a ride, and before i could even finish, he was walking through my bedroom door scaring the shit out of me.

we chit chatted. we sipped his white lable. he jumped on me. we fooled around. i was late to work.

during our chatting after our romp, my phone rang. i looked to see who it was and he looked too and asked me who it was and when i shook my head i could see him get kind of aggrivated. 2 minutes later, his phone rings. we look at each other and laugh uncomfortabaly. i don't say anything as he lets it ring, but i knew by the way he looked when it rang he knew who it was. i look away from him. he starts explaining. i tell him not to bother, but he insists on it anyway. he sits next to me then, and shows me his phone and goes through all the names and numbers to tell me who's calling him...who he talks to. he said he's not fucking around with any of them, and i know the names except for two. i ask what it matters, and he says just to show that he's not lying or fucking a bunch of girls like i think. i wanted to cry then...because we were both so determined to prove to the other that nothing is what we think. but then if that's true...why is everything so fucked up?

he called me the next day, this time really needing a ride from the train to a job interview. i turn around and go get him. he keeps thanking me in the car and tells me about the job. my phone rings. it's eric. dooley tries to crane his neck to see who it was, so i answer it and talk to eric for a few minutes. so while i'm on the phone, he decides to call someone, but i saw his look of relief when i asked eric why he always talks about bitches when he calls. i guess he figured that it could only be a friend. i found his reaction amusing. we sat in the car a few minutes and talked. he was sick. had the walking flu, which was what i had told him the day before, but i guess his mom mom had to say it for him to believe it. we smiled a lot. laughed a bunch. he kissed me goodbye and i went to work. and he didn't call me again for few days.

xmas eve, i was a wreck. not because of him, because of the holiday. i cried a lot. stared at the walls a lot. drank alot. smoked alot. thought alot. cried some more. all day xmas, my stomach was in knots because he hadn't called. i knew he wouldn't call. i told myself if he was really that fucked up he couldn't call me, he would stay blocked and i would turn the phone off and forget i ever knew him. i saw it. it was clear to me. then he called. he wished me a merry xmas and we talked for a bit. he wanted to know why i sounded so sad, and oddly he wanted to make sure it wasn't because of us. he called me sweetheart, boo boo, and gorgeous...talking to me while he talked to his family. he kept asking what was wrong and seemed so concerned and loving and i started to cry again. i don't know why. everything just fell on me at once and i couldn't breathe. we hung up with i love you...with him saying it loud as hell in front of his friends and family and telling me to cheer up. i thanked him for calling and he shushed me. it's nothing sweetheart. you're my boo boo!

and today i feel like i am suffocating. i've blocked him on my phone again (he got a reprieve for the xmas call, but after no follow up call, he was blocked again). my heart is aching. my mind is tumbling over thousands of evil thoughts and i am hating him. i just caught myself. i just looked at the date on my computer. i just fucking talked to him sunday. i just fucking saw him twice last week. and here i am, acting like it's been forever since i heard his voice or seen him face. what the fuck is that? i'm acting like the world is collapsing because i haven't heard from him in 2 days! i'm pissed at him when he hasn't done anything. hurt when nothing has happened. crazy by my own accord.

a new year is coming and i think before it comes, i have to make a desicion once and for all to accept this or to walk away.

i can't keep making myself crazy like this.
i need to just love him...or let him go.

five golden rings

2005-12-20T18:07:00.000-05:00

we are such fucking good liars.
that is what we have in common...
we tell lies so well they almost seem like the truth.

but deep down...we know...we know...
we have always known it all.

he'll say are you married, we'll say no man

2005-12-19T19:38:00.000-05:00

i haven't heard from him since wednesday. he's still blocked on my phone. i've turned off the r-link thinking, if he links me and can't get through, he'll call me. i haven't gotten a call or a text so i doubt that he's linked me.

i know...it's not even a week yet. but it's a week before xmas. he doesn't celebrate, but i fucking do. he could call and ask how the shopping was going, how work was going...have i missed him. but there's nothing but silence.

every time i think about calling him, i stare at his face and those words across it, and i snap my phone shut. he will always be restricted...until he either sets himself or me free...we will forever be bound by these contraints. i wish he trusted me. i wish he could stop confusing me with other women and give me the benefit of the doubt. i wish he didn't resent me for knowing him so well and loving him still.

i lay alone at night and cry. not because of him as much anymore, but because of the holidays. i'll be alone for xmas and new year's...again. i thought last year would be the last time i'd be alone on those days...at least for awhile. but here they are...he's home...and i'm alone.

i am refusing to call and he just doesn't bother to call, yet when we talk to each other our last words are always i love you.

how is it possible to love someone you don't even want to talk to anymore?

what i am to you, is not real to me

2005-12-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

sometimes i really think i have a hang on this whole "non-title relationship" thing that we have going on. sometimes. yes. i really do.

take last night.

yesterday, i blocked him so i can't call him on my phone. fucking genius on my part, since it seems i make myself get my feelings hurt by calling him. so now, unless i want to go through a bunch of bullshit, i can not call him from my phone. he can call me, but i can't just pick up and call him. this should really cut down on my drunken "mis-calls" in the middle of the night and the weekends...yes...i am so proud. i have convinced myself that this is a good thing.

so yesterday, he's blocked. all day i have the huge bruise he left on my face when he bit me in the car and i call in the morning and he doesn't pick up and i just lose it. and i was doing good until i got the phone bill. it was over. fuck. i had to call him. number is blocked. ha ha!! mom mom's number is still free. call mom mom's, knowing he won't be inside or pick up. glory be...he fucking answered.

so i tell him about the bill, but while we're talking, he keeps telling someone to shut up and stop yelling and quit acting the fuck up, and i'm like...so confused because he keeps saying not you. finally, i figure he's on the cell too...and that it's a girl. so i tell him to go ahead and go back to talking to his girl and he just says i'm cool...go head bay. so we keep talking. we talked on mom mom's phone like 20 minutes. meanwhile...this girl is still there flipping on the cell. the phone is dying so he tells me if the phone dies to call the cell. i don't know why, because we really didn't have anything to talk about, but i agree. the phone hangs up. i call the cell. he answers. we talk some more.

we talk about the girls he deals with and the situations he gets himself into and all the bullshit he spouts. i ask him if he wants me to just leave him alone. he says no. i say he treats me just like he treats the other bitches he claims he doesn't want to be with. he says he doesn't. we listen to music. we laugh. the girl is still on the other line. she hangs up after 15 minutes. then she calls him back. the rest of the 35 minutes we were talking, she was calling back and we laughed our asses off. how we were able to talk about love and relationships and commitment and what i mean to him while some wacko bitch was calling him like 50 times on the other line is beyond me. i felt better when i hung up. i at least see he deosn't disrespect me like he does the others. that's the second time he played some chick out with me around or in earshot. he's never dared that shit with me.

i still have him blocked on my phone though. not calling him is a good thing. sometimes i get needy or whiney and it's really not worth the aggrivation i cause myself. i know this devil...he won't change. so why do i keep creating situations that amplify that?

funny thing, on my phone, is our picture. because i have the block on the phone, right across our happy, smiling faces is the bold word RESTRICTED.

pictures say a thousand words.

i can't get out of this place

2005-12-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

thursday night, swiz called me back and we talked for hours while stevie ray and jimi hendrix blared in his background. we talked about music, life, dreams...everything. it's so easy to talk to him. he is so intelligent and so vocal...it's contagious. i was so happy to hear from him. but then, he played the guitar for me...the beginning of crash by dave matthews...and i liked to faint. not only is it one of my faves, but i never knew he could play the guitar. and he was good too.

and we didn't mention sex or antyhing of the sort. we just enjoyed each other.
it was the best mind fucking we've ever had.

then, all weekend, i'm drunk and needy and so i call my sometimes man. he never answered. or called back. not once. and i called like 11 times. nothing.

i vow to leave him if he doesn't fucking get at me in 24 hours. i was serious. i was ready.

he calls 5 hours after that, lying about how the phone had been left in stu's car (second time that week) since friday and he had just gotten it back (9 am sunday). he saw i had called and he just wanted to call his favorite (not only) boo boo and tell me he loved me. i was still drunk so i mumbled a me too and turned back over and went back to sleep.

curses...foiled again!!

what the fuck is with the scooby doo references? i didn't even like sccoby doo really.
no...i liked it all right...until they brought in that fucking scrappy doo.

i fucking hate scrappy doo.

did you get it yet, get it yet, get it yet...you're my secret!!

2005-12-06T20:49:00.000-05:00

this is us. he is so vain. but at least he's funny about it.
sometimes.

we sat in the car last night, watching the first real snowfall of the season. it was kind of surreal. no...it was very beautiful. until we had...a tiff. about a bitch. he had sex with another girl, that i know about, right after he gave me the friends with perks but not looking to fuck anyone else speech. and i asked him to stop telling me the story before he started, but he kept going. and i just sat there, so fucking angry at him, i seriously thought i was going to hit him. then i remembered. an oh yeah went off in my head. how mad can i be? i actually cheated on him before he came home...not even a week to go. this is why even though i know he was fucking around on me and lied about it before we broke up, i can't really hold it against him. i started it...i guess he gets to finish it.

so we both sat there pissed for a minute (because the story pissed him off...then he was mad that i was mad). he asked me if i wanted to go. i asked him if he wanted me to go. he made a few jokes and soon we were laughing so hard, we forgot all about it.

we were talking about old times...old music...and we started singing new edition songs. it was so much fun the way we could act so damn stupid and silly, sitting in the front of my car in the middle of a snow storm. eventually, i pulled next to the house and we started making out. he does this one thing.....i know it's a move, and a stupid one that he saw in a movie...but i fall for it every time he does it. while he's kissing me, sometimes he brings his hand up and strokes my face real soft like, and he pulls away a bit to look at me, kisses my cheeks and then kisses me again. or he brings the hand up and holds my face...normally my chin, while we kiss. whenever he does this, i melt. my pine seriously goes limp and i can only lean into him. i'm sure he knows it has this effect. the bastard.

we watched the snow, smoked cigs, and talked about bullshit...nothing serious. then we snapped some pictures with my phone. i have to admit...his came out really good. he is a handsome fucker. i can't stand it. we messed around more. meanwhile, the snow is piling up and i'm telling him i need to go...but he doesn't let me. we sit some more, talk some more, take more pictures, and then...it's time for me to go. he asked me to call him when i got home to make sure i got there safe. he stalls some more. finally...i pull out, we kiss, he gives me a something nice, we smile, we kiss again, he gets out of the car and i start to pull off, and then he does something he hasn't done before. he stands there and waves at me. it threw me, you know? like it was the last time i might see him...like i was going to crash and die on my way home. how fucked up would that have been? dying on my drive home because i stayed out til 3am during a snow storm to make out with a man that doesn't even acknowledge me as his girlfriend. so i was happy to get home safe. even happier when i called and he had actually stayed awake waiting for me to call. sometimes...it's no secret why i adore him so. but mostly, it's all just a mystery.

where's scooby and shaggy when you need them?

i'm home baby. i made it.
good, bay. mmmm...caught me too...i was starting to doze.
well go to sleep, baby.
ok...
baby?
yeah bay?
did i tell you i loved you today?
actually no...you didn't. i told you i loved you and you called me a hustler.
well i do love you...love you so much that i risked my life driving through a snow storm just because i wanted to stay with you just a little bit longer...
and i love you for it.
mmm...liar. good night baby. i love you.
i love you too, bay. good night.

cry for me, cry for me...you said you'd die for me

2005-12-05T17:34:00.000-05:00

GIVE

knowing me, does this really need to be translated?

the way i used to laugh with you, was loud and hard

2005-12-03T17:45:00.000-05:00

if he doesn't call me tonight, i am erasing and blocking him from my cell.

as much as i am hoping it won't come to that, i am already sick with knowing that it will.

i just want to die.

wait til i get him back

2005-12-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

we haven't spoken since tuesday.

i take a whole fucking day off of work to take him to the doctor. he comes to my house an hour late, talks about his ex for 45 minutes, i suck him off but don't get laid because my brother comes home and we run out of time anyway, i take him to the doctor and i have to sit in the car, we leave the doctor and i take him to get his haircut, at which time he informs me i can go because his brother in law to be wants to talk to him and will take him home. so i leave...pissed the fuck off...and go on broadway to shop. he chirps me and when he finds out i'm shopping he mentions the ring he wants to for christmas. i hung up on him.

i mean...seriously?

did i mention the key? oh yes...i finally gave him the key when he came over. did i get a thank you? no. did i get a thank you for riding him the fuck around and missing a whole day of work for 2 1/2 fucking hours of shlepping him around and getting a misfire of jiz in my mouth? no. and has he called since then? no. have i called him? for once...no.

he wants me gone. so i'm letting go. i don't wear the necklace or the ring and i haven't been calling. he's so stupid, he hasn't even noticed none of it. he's not calling because he thinks i'm mad. he always does this. but this time, he's really fucking himself. i don't know where this backbone came from, but it's here. maybe we'll just fuck around or something until something better comes along. or maybe i'll be out completely. i feel the change in me. his power isn't as strong over me...and unless he fights to keep me, i know i'll be gone. and he won't fight. i know it.

that's the only thing i do know.
i've never been the girl worth fighting for.

now i'm all cried out over you

2005-11-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

i think we're ending, and it ends up being an elevation.

i think we're arguing, and it's just heated conversation.

i think we're deluded, and it happens that we have perfect perception.

i think he doesn't love me, and then he does something to show he does.

i think he's leaving me, and it seems i was just paranoid.

i think that it's all over...when it will never be over...

until one of us dies, this is just what we are.

he did end up calling me. we talked a bit. everything was fine.
i did end up going to see him. we talked a bit. everything was fine.

we messed around in the car again, and at one point he looked down at me and told me i was sexy. i was skeptical, but he repeated it. it was sweet, but i don't think i'm sexy...maybe i was sexy to him at that moment because of how i looked while i was doing it. or maybe he was just drunk. or maybe...he really means it.

we went over the whole title thing, and he's just being greedy in a way...and he's just scared in the other. in layman's terms, he wants to have his cake and eat it all without the chance of him dropping it on the floor. i don't appreciate it, but i respect it...and i'm grateful he finally chose to be honest about it.

we laughed. oh god, how we laughed. he just says stupid shit that makes me giggle like a fucking 5 year old. he's the only person besides my brother that can make me laugh like that....laugh even when i feel like crying.

he said some beautiful things to me...about me...while we sat there postulating life, and as much as i want to write them here, i can't...because they were so long winded and somewhat nonsensical when repeated, but i remember it all. it was the most special thing in my life.

i wish i could write it here...wish i could have recorded it so i could have it forever...to look at and hold when things are bad or i'm feeling down...

but isn't that how it always is with the good things?
they are always the easiest to be taken away.

you don't know my name

2005-11-25T17:47:00.000-05:00

i went to see him...and there was already a girl there.

I stood there with dinner, drinks, cigs, and sex in my hands...and there was some bitch sitting on the stoop.

ok.

he rushes to me, telling me she just showed up, got dropped off, and has no way to get home. he said he was sorry. he said he felt awkward. he said it looked bad. he said it's not what i think. he said he hoped i wasn't hurt. he said he wanted me to stay...but he knew that would be worse. he said he wanted to call me later. he said he needed me to leave.

so i gave him his stuff, told him not to sweat it, told him i wasn't upset, told him i wasn't going to cry, told him we weren't anything to each other, told him i'd be fine, told him it all happened for a reason, told him he could call, and then told him goodbye.

and i left. not in a huff, i even kissed him. i just gave him his stuff, and left.

i get home and after a few drinks, i fall apart a little. i start to cry. i tell the angels i just want him away from me...that he won't call because he doesn't love me. as soon as i said that, he called. and i could tell he felt fucked up, like he knew something fragile had been further cracked. he was apologetic while being sardonic, and i simply told him i wasn't going to wait for him anymore. i'm going to fuck other men and there's nothing he can do about it. we're just friends with benefits...so why should i keep myself for only him. he got upset. i stood firm. he said we were more than that. i said no, we're not. he got upset that i wasn't upset. i told him we were fine, and he said we weren't.

we ended with i love you.
we hung up.
he hasn't called, or pick up the one time i called.
i think he's pissed at me because he got caught with another woman and i didn't try to kill them.
i'm sad that i had to see him with another woman and he acted like he wanted me to try to kill them.

we ended with i love you.
and i think...this time...
we mean it.

the ending, that is.

we've got a war to fight here

2005-11-23T17:33:00.000-05:00

he called monday, yesterday, and today.

he wants me to come see him.

how cute.

i hope this lasts...

i am small...and needy

2005-11-22T20:47:00.000-05:00

i didn't want to get out of bed this morning because i was submerged in his scent on my sheets.

i didn't want to move. didn't want to wake. didn't want to live without it near me.

i just wanted to sink into the warmth and the scent and the memory of his brown skin sprawled arcross my red satin sheets as he held me in his arms and kissed my face.

such peace. such beauty. such love.

i sank deeper and thought of his smile and tingled with rememberence of his touch and with every fiber of my being i ached for him to be there with me. i wanted to hold him close and taste his skin and laugh at one of our ridiculous conversations. i wanted him to be there to fill my ears with his voice, fill my chasm with his erection, fill my heart with his love. this morning i would have sold my soul to hear him call me beloved.

this morning, in that cavern between sleep and awake, i was more in love with him than ever...and i was so happy...so fulfilled...so at peace...

and then i woke up

and life had to fuck it all to hell.

and keep letting him change all my plans

2005-11-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

guess who called me this morning.

go on....guess?

yes...he called this morning while i getting dressed for work, right while i was thinking if he still wanted me to take him to the doctor.

seriously...i give up trying to figure this shit out.

ouch...i have lost myself again

2005-11-19T16:49:00.000-05:00

i have made a deal with my angels...
i will not call him or text him or anything...after my debalce yesterday...

don't ask...

and if he doesn't contact me then he's not supposed to be in my life.
i should have put a time frame on it, but i didn't.

so now i quess i have to wait...
wait to see if i am really loved
or not.

yeah....keep turning that chin

2005-11-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

so monday, i tell him to block me from his phone so i can't call.
tuesday, i tell him i want to leave him but can't.
wednesday, i try to call him all damn day and i don't get an answer.
what do i do?

i freak the fuck out.

i was calling like a psycho, man. i was crying at work. i smoked like 7 cigs. i was falling apart.

why?

because i thought he was doing what i asked him to do.

i thought he was blocking me and had decided he didn't love me and left me...so when i called and he didn't answer, it broke me. literally. i called and called and called....i linked him, i called the house, i texted him did i tell you i love you?

all day...i am a total mess.

around 4.30 he texts me back no...but i love you, don't you know that?

i take his point. fucking lesson learned. i need to chill the fuck out.
and try to pull away from him even as i am trying to relax about us.

no one should have this much power over me.

no one.

everything good I deem too good to be true

2005-11-15T21:15:00.000-05:00

dooley came and surprised me last this morning.

he called me from outside my door. teasing me about how nice it would be to be having sex right then. i growled at him and then he said i should get naked because he would be there any minute. i thought he was bullshitting.

then he walked in.

i was so fucking happy to see him!! that was so sweet of him to come all the way down to my house to see me. well...to have sex, really...but still. he didn't have to come and see since i was supposed to come see him.

it was nice. we got naked, we had sex, and i gave him what he said was the best head in the world. and yes, i was proud. because compliments like that turn me on.

and then...of course...yup...i fucked it up.

okay...so he came kinda quick and then i felt like shit because i started thinking it was me. then we laid there and i got up to get dressed and i was sad for some reason, and i think he thought i was mad when i woke him up. we got some bk and then i took him home and there we revisited the conversation. i asked if he loved her. he said no. i affirmed that she calls and sends him messages and wants him back. he agreed. i asked him if he was sure about us. he said yes. i told him i didn't have the strength to leave him. he said he knew that.

and then the conversation was over because his p.o. pulled up and he had to go inside for his visit.

and i am still greatly unsettled. again...we were having such a wonderful time. and i had to fuck it all up.

i am pathological.

all of the signs said stop...but we went on whole hearted

2005-11-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

saturday night, we were huddled up for hours, drinking white lable and making out in the front seat of my car like shameless hethans. i loved it.

he talked over a broad spectrum of things, but one subject he fell on made my soul freeze.

his ex-girlfriend. his baby's mama....sorta.

truth is, he doesn't know if the boy is his, but he is the only father the kid knows and he loves him like a son...so...he's his dad. but somehow, he spoke of her...telling me how she was a bum and he could never be with her again because she hurt his feelings. he said he had love for her, but he doesn't love her anymore. he said how the boy calls him, and how she sends him messages through his friends looking for him and she thinks things can pick up from where they left off, but he didn't want her. he loves me. he could never be with her again.

i felt like he'd ripped my heart out through my throat. i tried not to cry...but i did...i just hid it from him. he had just verbalized my fear. he mentioned her name. he still talks to her...still sees her...
she still wants him back.

i tried to end it today. i did. but he wouldn't let me.
i couldn't tell him the whole reason why i wanted to go...just that i had to go...
and he said no.

and i keep having crying outbursts. not sobbing...just gasps and tears and then nothing.

they have a history. they have a child. he was with her longer than me. he loved her more.
if she really wants him back...
how the fuck can i compete with that?

until you're resting here with me

2005-11-11T20:25:00.000-05:00

i went to take him some stuff this morning before work. of course it made me late.

he always makes me late.

we stood in front of the house and talked about hustling, geedies, bitches, lies, and love. it was every entertaining, to say the least.

at one point, he threw me on the phone with fatboy while he went to take the food in the house.
hey stewie...
who this?
who the fuck you think it is? who else would you be fucking talking to?
oh...hey girl...what you been up to? what you there on your quality time joint?
nothing. nigga got me running around on some old domestic bullshit. had me bring him some food and shit.
well....ha ha...that's what wifey's do!
i'm not his wifey...i'm his "lady friend".
that's not what he told me. he told me you was his wifey...and you know he tells me everything...well...not everything...
yeah everything. hmmmm...when he say that? let me find out that i need to be talking to you about some stuff...
ha ha...i'm saying though. he told me you were the one. now what he might do...i don't know anything about that...but he always says that about his star...

we hung up and when dooley came back out i just looked at him and grinned. i asked him about other girls just as his phone was ringing dangerously in love. he said it was his sister. i called him a liar. he smiled. said it again. i smiled. called him a liar again.

we then went into this long story about some chicks and friends and lines and love. we are not together as a couple....we are free to do whatever...but he still insists on telling me he's not fucking other women. which, i actually believe now. maybe they are just friends. and maybe they do love to flirt and all. but i know he's not telling me everything. which in a way hurts, but at least he's trying to spare my feelings. in reality, i've noticed that i don't care. as long as i know what's going on, i don't care about what's going on. we stood there staring at each other.

i love you, though. i really do. you might say things about bitches and yeah i might end up eventually doing something, but you're my number one...my light skinned one...my redbone. you know, they always get treated the best anyway. seriously, i don't ever see this ending. until someone...puts a...ring...on one of our fingers and takes us away, we always going to be together. we got too much history. we got too much love. besides, i ain't never letting you go, anyway...so you're stuck. you're my girl...daddy's little lady.

i laughed. he grinned and pulled me close and kissed all over my face. it was so wonderful. i was so at peace.

it was love.
not perfect in any way...but love...
our love.

what more can i say?

come and rest your bones with me

2005-11-10T21:49:00.000-05:00

sometimes i really hate him.

then i'll see him and he'll be all sweet or i'll talk to him on the phone and he'll be an absolute doll and then i can't remember why i hate him and i just shrug it off and go on loving him.

truth is, i'm a paranoid, over imaginative, fibberty jibbit and most times things aren't as bad as i am acting like they are. yes, we do have bad times, but i over react to things too, because of my insecurities.

sometimes i really hate him....
until he reminds me of just why i love him so much.

you silly, stupid pastime of mine

2005-11-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

his doctor's appointment was moved. it's not tomorrow. they changed it to the 29th.

this is after i take off from work. this is after i do my hair. this is after i get my nails and brows done.
this is after i start to get excited about being with him for a whole day.

he heard the sadness in my voice. i tried to hide it. he heard it...and honestly...i could tell he felt bad. he begged me not to be sad...that he would come see me soon. i was angry and sad and so frustrated that i sat at my desk fighting back the tears.

it shouldn't be this complicated to love someone.

couples quarrel. when things go wrong and feelings get hurt, couples always quarrel...and the good ones always make up. things are hard for us, bay, but we'll make it through this. i know in the end we'll be fine.

good thing he's so damn sure.
i don't know anything anymore.

everything else is just a bore

2005-11-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

one day he won't make me smile anymore.

one day, it will just be the tears and i won't find him cute and i won't be able to tolerate all of this pulling me close while pushing me away.

one day he won't be able to make me smile and then i won't love him anymore.

until then, i am here

a grinning idiot when we talk on the phone,

a cheesing cheshire when he kisses my neck,

a mindless moron when he tells me he loves me.

till then, he's almost the only reason i smile anymore,

even as he is the main reason why i cry.

he is my love.

maybe this is just how it's supposed to be.

i mean, how would i know, really?

what the fuck do i know about love?

look for the girl with the broken smile

2005-11-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

dooley called me today.

i called him, he didn't answer, he called me back.

he didn't answer because he was getting the bracelet put on. they were setting up the machine. he is officially on lock down. i tried not to giggle. not because it was funny, but because it was ironic. the boy is as free as a caged bird.

at least i know where he'll be at night.

so he told me about that and his doctor's appointment next week. he said they were going to run the tests to see why he sleeps so much.

i don't know which test it will be. it might be the sleep documentation or it might be the brain scan.
well...do you know how long it will be?
no.
do...do you want me to go with you? or is stu or someone coming out there to go with you...or someone...else?
no...fatboy ain't going with me. i was going to go on my own.
oh...ok....
but i'd like you to come...if you want to. you could hear what the doctors say and we could spend some time together...since our time will be very limited from now on...if any. i'm sorry.
i know. of course i'll go with you...if you want me to. i don't want you to go alone. plus, some of those tests...you might not be able to drive or take transpo alone. i'll take you. and your battery came. you want me to mail it or bring it by?
i'd like to see you...
i can come tomorrow before work.
really?
yeah...why?
i...i don't know...ok. i love you, baby.
i know. i love you too, bay.

so i guess i am schlepping it to camden to take him his shit tomorrow morning and taking off next tuesday to go to the doctor with him.

and for some reason, that makes me smile.

you take my hand just to give it back

2005-11-02T17:35:00.000-05:00

3 in the morning a voice screamed into my dreams. bay....bay...theeeeeaahhhh...theeeeeeahhhhh...pick up, pick up, pick up...you there bay?...theeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh...
i jerked up scared shitless. i look around the room and then see my phone blinking.

this r-link thing man...sometimes...is just plain inconvenient.
of course, he won't be calling me for awhile again, so then it will become a novelty again.

he was right down the road and wanted to come over. i'm like cool. confused as hell...but i'm like cool. i was really glad swiz wasn't there because that would have freaked anyone out. but he came, got undressed within seconds and was next to me in bed. i was in the middle of smoking a cig, but he asked me a question and when i went to answer, he grabbed a handful of hair and kissed me. and so it begins.

you know, maybe i'm just wrong, but fucking him didn't give me the same thrill as fucking swiz. maybe because i've been with swiz longer so we know each other better, or maybe it's because i'm used to swiz's body, or maybe it's because dooley's rougher. i'm not sure. it's not that it's bad...because it's not bad at all...it's just different. it could be the size difference, because swiz is bigger...but i just think it's because i'm not used to him yet. but for some reason when dooley shoved my leg in the air, i wished he were swiz.

but by the time we got into it...i forgot all about swiz.

we laid there afterward and talked. then we did it again. then we talked again.

he pulled me to him, and i laid there with my head on his stomach with his hand in my hair and the other one around my back. i stayed that way until i knew for sure he was sleep and then i moved away from him, smoked a cig, put my face in my pillow, and cried. i'm not sure why i got so sad suddenly. i turned and watched him sleeping, and moved my hand to rest on his chest and he moved his hand so it was holding mine. i didn't want him to do that. i didn't want to lay too close to him. i didn't want to hear him breathing heavily...i didn't, i didn't, i didn't...

i didn't want to sleep with him because i knew it would unravel me.
and it did.
especially when he spooned me.

we slept together, doing the dance sleeping bodies do...adjusting, pushing, leaning, caressing, holding. when we started to wake finally, he turned to me for the first time and moved me so he could hold me. he was still half sleep and he scrunched his fingers in my hair. i sighed and moved so i was laying against him. we were wrapped together so tight...so tight...and it was the best thing i had felt in years. we slept a little longer. then we got up and had sex again.

dude...in the blaring broad daylight, ass naked, with my brother in the other room...i had sex...and it was glorious.

we lounged around bullshitting and talking. we finally left and i took him home, where we sat outside there bullshitting and talking for another hour and a half. i didn't want to leave him. i didn't want him to go. because i knew that the magic would end and he's go back to being the asshole i'm too weak to leave that's breaking my heart just because he can.

he told me to chirp him when i got to work, and i did.

we haven't talked since i drove off. i don't think i'll hear from him for awhile.
and already...already...
i feel my heartbreaking.

tap on my window, knock on my door

2005-11-01T17:03:00.000-05:00

i'm hustling my way out of the house and to my car when i hear bleep and hey bay! i stop and look around and then keep walking, thinking that i'm tripping, when i hear someone call me again hey bay...you there? it took me a second to realize that it was my phone and he was linking me.

i answer and we talk for awhile. you know, regular shit. he always sounds so damn chipper when he calls me...like nothing should be or could be wrong. we talked my entire drive in and then we talked till 12.20 so we were on the phone for almost an hour.

i told you that you could crash at my place. becca has an aerobed and maybe she'd let me borrow it for awhile and you could sleep on that.
would i be able to sleep in the bed sometimes?
...sometimes...possibly...
yeah? i don't know though...i don't think i should stay with you.
why?
what would jay say? i don't want to be fucking up his groove...
firstly, jay works nights, so he's not here. second, he likes you. third, his girlfriend is always here or he's always with her, so why would he give a fuck about what i'm doing?
do you really think he wouldn't mind?
is that why you never came here...because you were worried about jay?
...yeah...
he doesn't care. honestly. like i said, you were here the other day and he spoke to you and everything. it's cool...but it's up to you. if you need a place to crash, i told you, my door is open. you can stay where you are or go back to mom mom's...it doesn't really matter to me.
you sure?
yup.
ok...then...alright. i'll bring my stuff by tonight.
tonight?
yeah...when you get off. i'll have fatboy bring me so i can bring some stuff...
well...tonight i have to do laundry...so i don't know...
laundry? cool. i need some laundry done. call me when you leave, i'll drop off my stuff and i'll go with you to do laundry.
i...uh...ok?

we talked some more, basically shit talking, while he was at the probation office. when he went back he was hanging up and i said okay baby, i'll call you when i leave...alright, love? and he said ok. i love you star. thank you. i didn't think we'd go tonight or that i'd see him or even hear from him again tonight, but he called me around 3.10 ramming about the probation bitch and how they are making him go back to mom mom's and wear a bracelet. i figured his luck would eventually run out. they kicked him out of the program after he told them he was seeing a doctor about his sleeping disorder, and now they are making him wear the bracelet with a curfew of 6pm to 6am. all i was worried about was whether i was still supposed to see him tonight so we could do laundry. none of that other shit had anything to do with me.

so that means we won't do that tonight...the clothes?
to be honest, i want to stay with you. i stepped all around it, but i want to be with you. i can't leave my clothes down there, though, cuz then what if i can't see you? i can't be wearing the same shit...
uh...no...i know that, dummy! i'm not asking that! i'm talking about the laundry, fool!
...oh...
yeah...that's cute though...you wanted to stay with me but was scared to ask...
i wasn't scared!
oh?
i just didn't want to crowd jay, feel me? i...didn't know...if you really wanted me there...
aw...cute, cute, cute!!
but you can still do my laundry for me.
huh?
yeah..come pick it up and you know...launder it...and bring it back...
what the fuck is you smoking if you think i am going to come and find you, take your shit, clean it, and bring it back to you?
ha ha...i'll give you a mr. goodbar if you do...

we joked some more, and then the phone died. i hate that phone. i'm so glad i got that other battery for it. i don't think i'll hear from him the rest of the day though...or for awhile...again. but it was nice talking to him.

you know how you can be talking to someone and you just can't believe some of the shit that comes out of your mouth? that's how it is most of the time when i talk to him.

weird...

the beautiful ones always smash the picture

2005-10-31T18:38:00.000-05:00

i haven't called either one of them since 10/25

i am so proud of myself

the carrion of a murdered prey

2005-10-28T20:16:00.000-04:00

sometimes without warning, the past has a way of coming back to me.

lately at night, i have been sleeping with nothing on around me...no tv, no a.c., no radio...just silence and darkness. my mind goes a thousand miles a minute, but it always seems to settle on the same images from my childhood...hands in my panties, palms on my thighs, girls kissing my lips, cousins grinding me under covers, a teenage boy sodomizing me when i was 6, grown men oogling me and making veiled sexual comments. they all come at night. i remember. and i wonder if the first person that touched me put a sign on me that only other offenders could see. i wonder why...of all people...was i the one that was touched and "loved" by so many different people. i don't get it. is that how it happens to everyone? one person fondles a child and then it's like pandora's light shines in them like a beacon bekoning more molesters? and it was constant, to the point where when i was raped when i was 16 i didn't even register it as rape. rape to me was strangers and screaming. this was a drunk boy i kinda knew that took wrestling around a bit too far. all it did was instill a new fear in me. all it did was make it so i had to be drunk for a man to put his hands on me so i can be numb if things get out of hand. all it did was create a hunger in me for subjugation. i am drawn to dominant men. every time i have sex, foreplay for me is making them make me fuck them. it really pisses some guys off, but what do i care? i'm drunk off my ass.

and then it comes painfully clear why i cling to these two men. i don't fear them. i am comfortable around them. i can have sex with them stone sober and not care a whit. i can be naked with them. they like dominating me...it turns them on as much as it does me. swiz knows just how to treat me like his whore without it offending me, and dooley knows how to make it ok for me to be as freaky for him as he wants. they get me. they accept me. they don't try to change me or ask questions or make me feel dirty. somehow, they were able to see me and touch me without needing any kind of motivation or direction. they are in their own ways, as broken and polluted as i am. they protect me as much as they exploit me. and i love them for that. i need them for that. i don't think i will ever find another man like them. in a way i'm lucky to have found them...or that they found me.

everynight i lay there thinking about my violations and and the shame i feel everyday in my skin, and i think of them...dooley and swiz...and i realize that they have been the only reason i have remained sane and not curled inside of myself cringing from the world.

so how could i not love them? the only time i don't feel shame is when they touch my skin.

how sad for me...for all of us.

no wonder i'm afraid of the dark.

i want to play the game, i want the friction

2005-10-26T20:23:00.000-04:00

dude...i was out. i was fucking out.
it was finished, done, over, through...and on my damn terms...
i was gone...

then...

i went back.

he called me last night, sounding all cheery with his babies and loves and bursting with stories...so i listened quietly, smiling into my receiver and laughing at his silliness...happy to be talking to him and so at ease.

then i changed the subject.

we can't do this anymore. i can't do this anymore.
-silence-
i'm sorry to say it now with everything else...
but...why? i...i mean...can you tell me why?
because...friday was a year...
i know...
...and for a year i have been alone! you're home now and i understand you have to do what you need to do but damn!! what...what the hell? i always have to call you a million times and hunt you down and i feel like a fucking pathetic stalker...
i...wait...i've never, ever thought of you like that! i mean, the reason you call like that is my fault...the way i wanted it to be. i never want you to think otherwise...i like things the way they are...
i feel otherwise, dooley. i mean, i feel like i'm fucking chasing you. and i'm here. alone. we make plans that never come through and i can't do it anymore.
i know...i...wait...i know it might seem fucked up or selfish, but the way it is now works for me. maybe that's wrong, but it seems like the most harmless way to be with you and not hurt you.
but i am hurting!!
-silence-
i don't want you hurting baby.
well what the hell do you want? how do you expect this not to hurt? god...what do you want from me?
you! all...all i ever wanted...all i want is you.
i can't tell...
i mean...i do a lot of little things...you might not notice, but i do a lot of little things to make sure i can keep you in my life. the ring, the phone, the car, letting you know where i am at anytime...i don't want you out of my life...ever. however i can hold you to me, i will. you mean so much to me...but i know i am being selfish. if you have to do this, i'll back off. i don't want you to be unhappy...ever...especially not because of me. i would never want to hurt you...
i know. i know it's not on purpose...i just...i can't...i'm tired of feeling so fucking lonely and unwanted.
bay...i want y...no...ok. as long as we can still be friends. still keep in touch and not loose each other completely...
no! i would never want that!
then if this is what you want boo-boo, i'll do it. whatever you need me to do...i'll do it. i just want you to be happy. i love you, man...and i want you to know that we...

the fucking phone dies.

so i hang up and go into the house and i am feeling good. i was free. i did it. on my terms. he was gone. we were done. it was all over.

6 vodka sippys, 14 cigs, and 3 hours later i didn't feel so good anymore. i keep wondering about what he was going to say. i kept hearing the hurt and surprise in his voice. i kept seeing him in my bed. i could still smell him on my bear.

so i called.

we bullshit a bit, both a bit guarded, but i didn't want the phone to die again, so i spit it out.

i didn't mean to spring that on you with the day you are already having...
hey...it's ok. it needed to be said. that's how you feel and you needed to tell me.
-silence-
what now?
i don't know. i leave it up to you. i'll do whatever you want.
what do you want?
well...that's hard. i want to be with you, but i'm in the streets and everything is all so unpredictable i can't always be there like you deserve. i'm not around and you need me. and i see how i'm being selfish and how it's hurting you...but then i don't want to make it official because i know that will make it worse...and i don't want to lose you...i...don't know. i really don't know. i don't know what to do that will make you feel happy.
i just...i love you...
i love you too...so fucking much...
i don't...fuck...i don't want you gone...
bay...i don't want to be...
i just...i just want to be with you...
me too.
-silence-
no matter what you want to do...you know no woman could ever have the place you have in my heart.
it's not like i could ever love anyone else like i love you.
it's not fair to you, i know...i can't really expect you to wait for me to sort this shit out...
i am so lonely, baby. and so sad. i just want to be with you.
i know.
i...alright...we can try...i'll wait a little longer...but i can't promise anything...
-silence-
i...man...i really appreciate that, bay. i love you, thea. i love you so fucking much. i...couldn't breathe when you said you were leaving me...you don't know how much i love having you in my life...how much i need you in my life. you mean so much to me....i...i don't know....i don't know what i'd do...
i love you so much baby...we'll try it again...guess what?
what sweetheart?
i'm still wearing the ring...
ha ha!! i fucking love you girl!! my baby...
my love...

yeah. i was out and then i jumped right back.

i am an emotional masochist.

you, me, and he...what we gonna do, baby? (cont.)

2005-10-25T20:54:00.000-04:00

when he asked that, he was pulling me closer and he had his mouth next to my ear. i yanked back and looked at him. why does he always have to say the totally wrong thing at the right time? i moved close to his mouth and he pulled away and i chuckled. no kissing...i had forgotten. if i was with someone that really loved me and wanted me enough to make me his wife, what would i be with you for? he was quiet. i would like to say he looked sad after that, but i think it would seem egotistical. he did change, however, after nodding slowly and tugging me back into the crook of his arm and kissing my forehead before laying his cheek in the same spot. i sighed and hugged him tighter. i was so sad then. so, so, sad...because it was all to true. if someone loved me, i wouldn't be with swiz.

if dooley really loved me, i wouldn't still be holding onto swiz.

or should i say, if dooley acted like he loved me, i wouldn't still need swiz. swiz needs me, and it feels good to be needed. he comes over and lies in my arms, refusing to go home because he wants to be wrapped up next to me. he can't say love and dooley can't show love while i am being drowned in the love i feel for them. if i could combine the two of them, they would become my perfect man...i see that now. one is what the other isn't, and when i'm with one i miss what the other has. i wish i could be as shameless with dooley, i wish swiz could be as aggressive as dooley, i wish dooley grown up as swiz...and they are probably wishing i could be someone else.

so here we are. i have two men that are staking claims on me, while neither one will actually take me. and it's like a tag team...one calls me, the other calls. one doesn't show up, the other one does. one makes me feel like shit, the other one makes me feel better. i swear, sometimes i think i am just crazy and they really are the same guy. it's like a superman and clark kent kind of thing. one shows up just as one disappears. i am so on edge all of the time that one will call when the other is there...or worse...show up at my door. though...the chances are slim since i like never see dooley. it aggravates me, but it doesn't make me sad anymore. if he doesn't come...fuck him. if he thinks i'm going to wait for him forever, he has another thing coming. because the main thing working against him is me fucking swiz. when i'm with him, i don't think about dooley. i'm not hurt or sad...i'm just...there. and if i have to fuck swiz to forget about him, i will. if i have to fuck 1000 men just so i never have to think about him i will...because i can't keep this up. i can't keep loving him. loving him is killing me. swiz is more lust than love, but there's still love...and i feel like i am betraying someone here.

it's probably myself.

so now i sit and wait for dooley to call me everyday while hoping swiz will call and hating myself for wanting either one of their stupid asses. i wish to god i didn't need them...but they are all i know of love.

being in love and hurt by them is all i know.

you, me, and he...what we gonna do, baby?

2005-10-24T21:41:00.000-04:00

so thursday i am sulking at my desk when my cell starts ringing...all you got to do is say yes...

i stared blankly at it before picking it up and saying hello, to which he says hey baby.

it was swiz.
he kept me on the phone for like 45 minutes, telling me all about his brother's marriage breaking up and his car getting worked on and the concert he was going to that night...and the whole time i am sitting there with this dumbfounded look on my face...i can tell because the woman that sits across from me kept looking at me and laughing. he hung up eventually, telling me he was going to bring the money he owed me over to the house and that he wanted to put in in my hand because i was nice enough to not only let him borrow it, but bring it to him, so i said whatever and left it at that.

i really didn't expect him to show up.

i was sitting on my bed in my underwear and tank top, watching SVU, when my phone rings...all you got to do is say yes...
he was outside my door and wanted to know if he could bring up the money. i said ok. i didn't bother to cover up or anything, because i wanted to be as repulsive as possible...just to see how he would act. he came in and sat down, said thank you and gave me the money. then we sat there watching the rest of the show, commenting back and forth about the actors. at one point he reached over and starting rubbing on my earlobe and i bit my lip and stared hard at him which made him laugh and ask me why i was being so mean. you want me to leave? i frowned and said he could if he wanted to and went back to watching tv. soon we turned to videos and a song we both like came on and we sat there singing it, and next i know we are laughing and joking. he gets up and looks at the food i cooked saying woman! when i come home i want some damn greens and without any swine or turkey in it!! and we fall against each other laughing.

fuck if i know what was so funny.

then we were talking about our favorite music and songs and he looked over at my feet suddenly and starting laughing. damn sweetheart, how tall are you? he laughed because he had just noticed that i had been sitting there and dangling my feet the whole time. i blushed and scooted down some, so my feet barely touched the floor and then he pointed out how long his legs were and he said something stupid when he reached over to poke me...making me giggle like the dough boy. it was fun.

he climbed into my bed without permission, saying he was tired and asking if he could take a nap. i said he always comes over and wants to sleep and he said do you want me to do anything else and i say no. i sat there and watched the tv a bit longer, but i was tired so i tugged off my shirt and laid down next to him. i don't know why i am so shameless with him. i didn't feel uncomfortable that whole time sitting there in my panties, and he acted like it was totally normal, though i did catch him looking at my boobs and thighs from time to time. i wonder if i turn him on. that sounds stupid, but i really do. i have always wondered if he fucks me because he wants to or if he because he gets stuck and can't find anyone else.

but we were lying there and he moved so i fell into his arms. prince was singing in the background and asked if it would be cool if we got married. swiz turned towards me and whispered if you were to get married, would you leave me?

to be continued...

...cause today is a brand new day

2005-10-21T21:08:00.000-04:00

so yes...he came...finally.

and it's as i said, when i get around him, nothing is wrong. we were joking around and laughing and playing the ps2 like nothing was wrong. he laid up against me and i put my arm around him and i saw him smile in the mirror and lean into me. it was nice.

there was a moment it could have went wrong. he was poking through my stuff and found the ring box with the ring with his name on it.

this is the ring!
yes...
why is it in the box?
what?
why aren't you wearing it?
why would i wear it?
because...i don't know...why aren't you wearing it?
because it has a guy's name on it and it will keep me from meeting a guy.
but you wear the necklace, right?
...uh...yeah...everyday...
ok. so why don't you wear the ring?
what the fuck? i don't wear it because i don't have a boyfriend anymore.
then what am i?
good question. i don't have a clue anymore.
you don't know what i am to you?
do you?

i was throwing my clothes into the hamper and i stood and looked at him. we both looked away. he said we'd talk about it later. i just groaned and went back to cleaning.
he sat watching me intently, and when i stood to wake up my brother, he jumped up and hugged me from behind and kissed my neck. i turned towards him and ran smack into a kiss. we kissed and kissed and kissed and when he pulled me to him i smiled against his mouth and giggled and he moved and smiled into my ear. i heard him inhale sharply, hesitate, and then breathe i love you, i love you, i love you. i grinned and turned my head so i was leaning on his shoulder and looking into his face. i love you, too i whispered. and we both exhaled. and then we held each other tight. it was perfect.

we played the game some more and i took a shower. he crawled into bed with me, and it was so nice. his body was thick and warm and he pulled me into his arms and just held me there. that's it. i think that's all he would have done, too, because he never made a move...i did. i looked up at him and asked him for a kiss and then we were gone.

i can't find myself able to talk about it yet...but we did it 3 times and it was nice.

in between the first break, he laid there with his eyes closed, rubbing my back and kissing my forehead and i was holding onto his pelvis and kissing his chest, giggling when he would groan and squirm.

can i ask you something...and you tell me the truth no matter what?
shoot, baby.
do you really love me? because if not...just tell me. it won't really make a difference...i just...need to know...
yes, i do.
look at me and say it.
i love you, thea. i really do. no matter what you might think or how it seems. i'm just fucked up.
we stared at each other a long time and i searched his eyes...searched his soul...and knew he meant it. doesn't mean i'm his girlfriend or that it fixes everything...it just means...that we do love each other in spite of everything.
ok...i'll wear the ring.
he turned my face back to him and smiled a really and i nodded and the pleasure on his face was...beautiful. i don't know why it's so important to him for me to wear it, but he hugged me tight and kissed all over my face while saying thank you, baby...thank you...

he eventually had to leave, though it was clear he didn't want to. he kept stalling and it kept getting later and later as we huddled together, laughing, and telling stories. he stood to leave and asked me to walk him to the door. i threw on my shirt and followed him, but he stopped in front of my favorite poster...a pink fairy with broken wings plucking flowers and crying. it's called he loves me he loves me not. he stood staring at it and said he liked that one the most of all because it shows that even beautiful and mytical things...can be broken i said. yeah...he looked at me and i stared at the picture remembering how many drunken nights i had stared at her and felt her pain. broken. he touched my arm and i followed him, stopping at the top of the steps to kiss him and hug him close as he made plans to come again.

hge left and i laid down and went right to sleep. i felt so at peace inside.
we're not together but at least we're...together. i was happy.

then yesterday...swiz calls me while i was at work...

throw away yesterday...

2005-10-20T22:07:00.000-04:00

he came over last night

lately i've been having strange feelings

2005-10-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

he calls me out of nowhere...says he loves me and is coming to see me...

never shows up...

doesn't call or answer his phone for a few days...

then he calls me out of nowhere...says he loves me and is coming to see me...

never shows up...

doesn't call or answer his phone for a few days...

then he calls me out of nowhere...says he loves me and is coming to see me...

and i am in a constant state of

what.the.fuck?!?!?!?!

but in reality i am slowly losing my mind

2005-10-17T18:11:00.000-04:00

ok...i am officially confused.

i mean...i've been confused...but right now...i am the epitome of what confused is.

look it up in the dictionary, it will have the caption "see also Thea" next to it.

so dooley calls saturday morning telling me he ran into someone i know, but won't tell me who. then he says he wants to come see me, and will be through on sunday. he hung up with an i love you, bay.

i'm like....ok?

he then calls me later (which goes straight to voice mail) telling me that he would be through that night instead of sunday.

so i'm like....uh...ok?

around two in the morning, i get another voice mail ringing through, telling me he was stuck out in williamstown with fat boy and couldn't make it. he's sorry and he loves me.

so i'm like...uh huh?

but then nothing all day sunday has me like...what the fuck?

ok...that's just dooley...

on thursday, swiz had texted me, and all it said was tomorrow. it came twice.

so i'm like...ok?

i text him back asking tomorrow what? but he never replies.

so i'm like...huh?

friday, i get the text again, ao i text him back asking if he sent it to me by mistake, and i don't get a reply. so i call him, but he doesn't answer.

so i'm like...what the hell?

so i text him again, telling him the fuck off and i get no reply. but saturday night, not even 2 minutes after i get dooley's voice mail that he can't come, fucking swiz is ringing my phone. i couldn't believe it, so i didn't answer. but he called back again, hanging up after the second ring. he didn't leave a voice mail.

so i'm like...what the fuck is going on?

nothing all day sunday had me like...fuck both of them mother fuckers.

dooley just called me. he apologized for saturday and informed me he had run out of minutes on the phone so he couldn't call sunday. he made me promise to call him as soon as i leave work tonight. i ask why, he just says please. i say ok, and before he hangs up, he says hey...i love you, bay. he hasn't told me he loved me since i had called him and asked him that time, and before that...not since he came home. now all the sudden he loves me and wants to see me.

so now i am seriously like...what?!?!?

everyone's saying different things to me, different things to me

2005-10-14T17:39:00.000-04:00

how's this for irony...

i lost my heart the other day when i was in the car with dooley.

no...literally. i have these heart earrings that i adore that i was wearing the other day with dooley. somewhere during our make out session, my earrings got taken out and lost. i found one of them in my pocket, though how the hell it got there, i don't know. i've looked all over the car for the other one, and i can't find it.

he either took it or i lost my heart.

how much does that suck?

manic depression is a frustrating mess

2005-10-13T21:12:00.000-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

HHHHHHHHHG

GGGGGGGGGGGGH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I NEED SOME BOOTEY GOT'DAMMIT!!!

mother fuck me, man!!

so i threw you the obvious

2005-10-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

my phone rang this morning and i nearly passed out when i saw the name.

it was dooley.

first thing i figure is something is wrong...something has happened. so i pick up and i can barely hear him. he said he missed his bus and was late to the program and could i please give him a ride.

so...where is it at?
around the corner from the transportation center.
camden?
yeah...
ok...
i need you.
huh?
i...said...i really need you. i don't want to disturb you...you...were the only person i would call...not because...but...
ok...i'll come get you, i said.
...because i need you and i hate needing you...
what?
you're coming?

we acted as if i didn't hear what he didn't say, and i got dressed for work and met him. we chit chatted about this and that and he made me laugh. i could tell he was nervous when he got into the car. i wasn't really talking to him. he thanked me for helping him and then he waited for a minute before commenting on my nails. i smiled and thanked him and he reached over and touched my thigh and said welcome. it never ceases to amaze me, no matter how fucked up we might be, we always...always...fall easily into conversation and feel at ease with each other.

there wasn't any tension between us, even when we started to argue a bit. i drove him in and when i was turning the car around, he asked for a kiss. we kind of went back and forth about that, but i straightened out the car and leaned to give him a kiss.

and then...stuff...happened.

before we knew it, it was 45 minutes later and we were half dressed and breathless in the front seat of my car...pushed as far away from each other as possible and panting like crazy. every time i tried to talk, he kissed me. when i tried to pull away, he bit my neck. i have a freaking hickie the size of my palm on my damn neck and every time someone mentions it, i grin and say it's nothing and try to hide it under my hoodie.

me and him...we are so fucking high school.
that's exactly what this relationship is...some playground shit.

we need to grow the fuck up.
seriously.

you don't even try no more

2005-10-11T18:29:00.000-04:00

god give me strength...

i just want it to be over

i just want to stop loving him

i just want it to stop

upside down...boy you turn me inside out and round and round

2005-10-06T19:27:00.000-04:00

last night so turned out differently than i thought it would.

yes. much different.

i called as i was leaving and didn't get an answer.
i called when i got there and didn't get an answer.
jut as i was finishing my cig and getting ready to pull out, he called...saying he just got my messages and he was sorry and he was pulling in now and where was i at. just then he pulled in next to me and said never mind.

i admit...i saw him and my heart skipped. with happiness or anxiety, i don't know...but it skipped. he stood outside with his friend talking, and his friend came over and hugged me through the window and kissed all on my neck. i giggled. dooley glared. i smiled. so did he.

we talked about the phone for a bit. the conversation was light and funny. he kept sneaking looks at me and grinning. finally he said, stars on my star...pretty. and he reached over and touched my earring. then he picked up my purse and commented on that, saying he liked how my purse blinged with my stars and thought it was cute. i smiled at him then...really smiled...and thanked him. i saw his whole body shift with relief and grinned and nodded.

stu was in a hurry to go, but dooley said i could drive him to the back, so we rode to the back of the development and waited for stu to come out of the house. my heart was in my ears. i was so confused. he had been such an asshole, but being around him...put me at ease. i felt like nothing bad could happen as long as i was with him, and as soon as i felt that, i blushed for being so foolish. i kept reminding myself it's over...move on...but i couldn't drive away to save my life. i needed a resolution. i needed...peace.

so what's up?
nothing...oh well...i'm back to smutting again. my boyfriend dumped me the other day, you know...
hey....now...i don't think that's how it was...
oh yeah...it was. he came home and it was done. i was dumped. it's no big deal...but he could have told me when he got home or like a month before he came home...
no...it's not like that at all. i think i know your man...
...ex. he's my ex.
...this man. i know him. it wasn't like that. he came home and got fucked by the system again. he has to pay $1700 to burlington, $800 to gloucester, and like $3100 to lindenwold all by the end of the month...on top of getting a lawyer for that dickhead judge whose trying to lock him up again for whatever fucking reason...
i know...
anyway...he came home and he can't work for 90 days but he has to spend all day in some bullshit program. how was he supposed to do anything? so...he went back to the streets. he had every intention of coming home and being with you and getting a 9-5 and staying straight...
he could have told me this.
he didn't want to upset you...and the longer he waited, the harder it got...because he knew...you'd leave him.
he didn't give me a chance!
from what he said, ya'll already talked about this...a lot. and you pretty much told him if he did this, it would be over. but he didn't have a choice bay...he didn't...
he could have trusted me. yeah i said that. but i understand. i knew when he came home and he told me about that stupid ass program he would go back to it. and seriously, i see how for right now, he doesn't have a choice. and i would have accepted that...because i said always and i meant always. no matter what means no matter what.
*silence for like forever*
but he dumped me so that's that. i'm a dumb ass though...i still wear his necklace...
really? let me see. what's on it.
his initials.
what's on the front?
always.
as it should be...
as it should be huh? so why i am back to smutting?
so...are you...how many guys...have you...smutted?
none yet. we just broke up. got to grieve, you know. but i have a few lined up. funny thing though, he got me away from old dude by telling me i was too good for that...
right...
and then he turns and does the same thing! ain't that some shit?
i don't think it's the same...
oh but it is. he wants me to sit around and wait for him while he's out doing his thing and fucking whoever and getting away with it because "we don't have a title".
wait...hold up...it's not like that. he's not out with bitches or in the street like that. he's mainly always with fat boy and getting money. bitches cost money. that defeats the purpose of making money...
unless you get a bitch to be a friend with perks. that's free, right?
that's not what this is. that's not us. i didn't mean you.
yeah right.
*again with the silence*
i...i don't think i can do this, dooley. we can't do this. i can't be your friend or your perk. it's not going to work.
can i ask why?
because you won't be there when i need you. i'd at least, at least, want to see you once a week...
at least? that's nothing. when i get my key you won't be able to get rid of me.
ah the key again!! dooley...no. you won't do that. and you won't tell me if you were fucking around with other women.
it's not going to happen...but if that's what you want...i will.
it won't work.
it will...because it's only until i get everything else straight. i meant everything i ever told you...i still mean it. my heart...my heart hasn't changed as far as you're concerned. you can call me whenever you want...ask me for whatever you need and if it's in my power, you will have it. just...bear with me...
you've been such an asshole. putting me through all this shit...and i never even got a real kiss.

he turned and pulled me to him then...and kissed me. soft kisses with my head cranked in the most awkward position...but then it happened. my stomach flipped. and there were the butterflies. eventually, we pulled away from each other, and all i could say was okay. i'm not sure what i was saying that to...okay to the kiss or okay to his proposition. stu came out and asked dooley to go to williamstown with him, and asked me if i wanted to go. i was shocked, but said i had to get the car home to my brother. dooley frowned. stu waved his hand and said i could never hang with them then...but i said i could always be in the truck with them. dooley smiled. he asked me to come. i told him no...he was going to be with his boys...but he said for me to come away...that he really wanted me to go. i held his hand and thanked him...and said i was cool, for him to go. we followed stu to dooley's old place, and waited for him again. we really didn't know what to say. our goodbye was hard. he looked at me and said,
call me whenever you want. i don't care. as long as i have minutes, i'll answer, and if i don't leave a message. call me anytime.
you can call me too. it works both ways, you know.
i know.
i'll call you as soon as i get the phone set up.
okay bay. gimme a kiss?

i leaned and kissed him. we smiled. he got out of the car and told me to call him. i drove halfway home and called him.
yeah sweetheart?
i forgot to ask you something...
what's that?
do you love me?
of course.
say it.
huh?
say it!
oh that ain't nothing! i love you...
oh...really?
yes. really. i do.
ok.
uh...you love me?
of course.
say it then.
i love you.
that's good to hear.
ok...i'll call you in a couple of days.
ok hun.
bye baby.
bye bay.

yeah.
i know.
don't even.

see...i agreed and maybe we will see each other...but i'm not holding my breath. even if we don't, i'm happy with the way we concluded. and i so love him. and the angels did this...i asked for something and they gave me this. i have to see where this plays. and if it goes nowhere...then i'm done.

speaking of done...swiz and i are through. not because of dooley. because of him. he called me last night around one asking to come over. i said he couldn't come for sex, but we could just hang out. he got all snippy and paranoid and was asking why not and who was there and i was just like huh? what the fuck? but i told him he can just come and we can do the friend thing. he said he couldn't do that. i said i was on my period so he didn't have a choice. he said oh, gave me some bullshit about a cop behind him and said he'd call back...but never did. i tell him no fucking and he blows me off? and of all days, he calls me right after i see and talk to dooley and get things sorted out and acts like an asshole?

see what the fuck i mean?
i go left but my angels and all their magic pull me back over to the right.

there's got to be a reason. there's too many coincidences.
there's got to be a reason they keep bringing dooley back into my life.

maybe i am just being stupid.

the pupil in denial

2005-10-05T17:37:00.000-04:00

he was supposed to come drop off the money last night but got caught up in a wicked dice game and wound up crashing at his boy's place till 6 this morning. so he called me this morning and told me where i could meet him to pick up the money.

so i guess i'll see him tonight.

not that it will mean anything. i will meet him in the parking lot of a 7-11, where he will more than likely lean in my window and hand me the money before hopping back into his car and heading back to bigger and better things.

part of me wants to make this hard for him, but i need the money. a small part of me wants to try being his gal friday for awhile, and maybe get a christmas gift and some steady sex out of it, but i know that won't happen. i know i will never see him or hear from him. the only time i'll talk to him is when i call him once a week to make sure he is alive. and then...nothing. nothing but me sitting around and getting drunk while listening to love songs that remind me of him and make me cry. nothing but me searching for some kind of distraction, like getting fucked by someone, so i can forget about him and the future i thought i would finally have. nothing but that black loneliness that consumes me when a lover goes. that lonely black color that i live in when love goes.

i wish i could wake up tomorrow and not know his name or this love i feel for him. or that i could wake up tomorrow and have him love me. either one would do.

i hate this part. this is the part that lingers. this is the part that hurts.
if it's done right...
this is the part that changes you forever.

you give me miles and miles of mountains and i ask for the sea

2005-10-04T20:39:00.000-04:00

so...um...yeah...

he called me back last night.

and surprisingly, i didn't flip the fuck out. we talked like normal adults that didn't have any problems and were just glad to talk to each other. but we are through. not to him, but we are. to him, we are losing the title and are just going to be friends with perks because he doesn't want to hurt me when he can't be there when he should be. he said everything is the same...the feelings and everything we said...he just can't be a boyfriend right now. he went back to that life. i knew he would. i felt it. i saw it in his eyes when he came to see me. and he knows i don't want anything to do with it, which is why he was afraid to call me and tell me...which is why he can't be home and around his family. i told him i understood. i told him we were through, but i was so happy we finally talked and he told me what was going on. he said he missed me. he said for me to call him whenever i wanted and he would make sure to come by and see me more often. i said i'd be there if he needs me.

so we're through, right?
what? who said that? not to me...
but you haven't been around...it's obvious...
see...i knew you'd think that. it got harder and harder to call you because i knew that's how you would see it.
ok...but you couldn't call to find out?
i didn't know what to say. keep it real with you, i'm back on the streets. i couldn't do it. the court is throwing mad bullshit fines at me and this stupid program i'm in won't let me work for 90 days. 90 damn days, bay!! what the fuck am i supposed to do about food or clothes or whatever with no damn job and now i have to get a lawyer because of this stupid ass judge that's still giving me shit about them fucking 10 days...
i understand. i knew you'd go back to it. i saw it in your eyes when you came...
you did?
yeah.
i didn't want to hurt you or disappoint you.
but you couldn't call? i was worried! i thought something might have happened. i didn't know what was going on with us...i didn't know anything. all i needed was a call...
i...didn't know what to say. i didn't know what to do. i didn't want you to think that i just came home and shitted on you, but i just couldn't bear to tell you what i'm doing. and i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to bring this shit around you or have you involved in it. i...don't...i can't be a boyfriend right now. not a good one. i don't want you waiting around for me and thinking that i'm out fucking around...because i haven't been...i just been about money. seriously. i think we should...just lose the title. keep everything...but lose the title.
lose the title? ok...then that means we're through. we're just friends then.
well...what does the friendship entail?
everything else. caring for each other...being there for each other...just no fucking around.
fucking around?
no fucking.
ah...well...we can be friends with perks then!
ha...friends with perks? then we might as well have the title, dumass!
but without the title...no one get hurt...
you mean we have freedom.
uh...sorta...
that we can fuck around with other people.
not on purpose!
what does that mean?!?
i mean...if something happens...whatever. but we're not out looking for it. it's still just us. that hasn't changed.
ok...fine. sounds like bullshit to me, but fine.
it's just for now. just till i work this all out. it's just us, bay.

but it's not the same. i still love him, but the echantment is gone. i know i won't see him much. i don't know if he said what he said for my benefit or because he wants to keep me around, but it doesn't matter anymore. i have resigned myself to losing him. soon he will be completely gone.

and so will we.

eyes of a fallen angel

2005-10-04T00:48:00.000-04:00

holy fuck....

he called me back!!!

in the blue of my oblivion

2005-10-03T18:33:00.000-04:00

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v612/dalyrical1/cookie.jpg

i saw this picture on post secret and i fell apart.
i mean seriously, fell apart.

i started sobbing at my desk. it's sinking in now. it oozed it's way through a chink in my blahzay armor and burrowed it's way under my skin.

he left me.

without any reason why, without a fight, without a trace...he's gone from my life. he...lied to me. he used me. i was nothing more than a fucking sucker. i...we...he's...gone. and i don't know why and it's killing me. seriously, killing me. my chest is aching so bad i can barely breathe. my head is pounding so hard i hear it in my ears. i can't stop crying. i can't stop my mind from working. i can't stop...loving him.

and i am so pathetic for that. such an asshole! how could i still love him with everything he has done to me? how can i dare to say that? because...because...i never lied.

when i told him i loved him, i meant it. when i said forever, i meant it. the life i wanted with him was real.

and i am hurting...hurting so fucking bad right now. i just don't understand. really. i don't...get it. why even do this? why start this? why fight for this? why just leave me like i was a piece of shit? i held it down for him...stood by him and up for him when everyone else said fuck you. so he turns around and says fuck you to me. no. he didn't. he didn't say anything at all.

he just vanished.

i wasn't even worth a fuck you to him.

i'll be dreaming you of you tonight, till tomorrow and the rest of my life

2005-10-01T16:39:00.000-04:00

i keep having these dreams where i go over dooley's house and he's there but he's avoiding me. we come together and we barely talk, but every time i try to ask him what's going on or if he wants to be with me or if he ever loved me...he's gone. he goes from room to room and every time i open my mouth, something happens to stop me from asking. or sometimes i actually get the questions out and he won't answer me. he just keeps avoiding me. he won't say anything either way...and i chase after him, getting more and more frustrated, just wanting an answer...

and eventually, it wakes me out of my sleep already crying.

i need...closure.

we don't even work out in my dreams...
anymore.

misty water color memories of the way we were

2005-09-30T21:41:00.000-04:00

i just read through most of my entries here...most of. i couldn't read the ones towards the beginning. i could barely take reading the sweet ones.

but oh...how long had i had my doubts? from the beginning it seems...from the beginning

i never listen to what i need to hear. i'd rather believe in magic and fate and angels and songs.

i loved him so much...i love him so much. reading all i said was a real slap in the face. he loved me once? right? he was always saying so...always fighting to keep me from leaving...

so why did he leave me?

what did i do wrong this time?

why can't we just be the way we were?

if i need you, i'll just use your given name

2005-09-29T18:33:00.000-04:00

life has a way of tying up loose ends even if i don't.

it seems i will be forced to get the cell turned off. i hate to admit it, but i have been holding onto the line for him. i would still give it to him, whether we are together or not. because i promised i would. and even though it most times makes me an asshole, i never break my promises.

i had to get another cell and all the texts we sent to each other are gone. i had saved all of our texts, and sometimes, i would go through and read them and smile...or cry. now they're gone. they are nothing more then fragmented memories. i miss having them in my phone. they made me feel safe. they made me remember love.

i no longer wear the ring, but i wear the necklace still. more out of habit than choice. i looked at it in the mirror in the bathroom, and noticed that i had actually put it on right this morning. you can see the initials. it's not a badge of honor anymore, it's a remembrance of shame. i loved him and he left me. it's my scarlet letter.

i don't check the mailbox or wait for my phone to ring anymore. i just don't.

i do still talk to him in my head though. i think it will be a very long time before that goes away. in spite of everything, and i don't have a clue as to why, i still love him. i no longer dream of a future or of him loving me, but i do still love him with everything i got. i told him i would always love him and be there for him, no matter what, and even if he didn't mean all he said to me, i meant every syllable i ever uttered to him...and i stand by it all.

that makes me an idiot, true...
but at least i'm not a liar.

at least i can hold onto that.

we're past the infatuation phase

2005-09-27T21:35:00.000-04:00

i am

*~~he>art-bro/ke{n}~~*

days like this i don't know what to do with myself

2005-09-26T20:56:00.000-04:00

still no word. i would think he could at least contact me to tell me to fuck off.

i never thought him to be this cowardly or this much of an asshole...

but then again...i am often wrong about love.

i heard the songs again today...right after each other on two different stations. it's so weird because they are older songs now...so hearing them so frequently and close to each other is really....disconcerting. it pisses me off, actually. i heard john singing and i looked at the picture on my desk and i wanted to cry.

but i didn't. i just turned away and blocked them both out and pretended that they weren't there. i'm good at that...pretending something isn't there. especially reality.

i can pretend it doesn't exist at all.

building a mystery

2005-09-22T20:34:00.000-04:00

someone looked at me hard yesterday and said i looked like a battered woman. i instantly moved to cover the bruises swiz had left on my wrists, and stood there stiffly as my eyes shifted from this to that.

you look beat up...worn down. you remind me of a puppy with an abusive owner...getting kicked and yelled at, but still coming forward in hopes of a gentle pat on the head. you're not the same. you're not the girl i knew. why the fuck is everything about you so...sad?

and i blinked blankly at him, slowly realizing that he wasn't talking about my physical bruises...he was talking about my mental ones. i rubbed my chest and looked away, trying to think of something to say to fill the void, but i came up empty. i am empty. my friend noticed a letter, dooley's last letter, sitting on my computer desk. he picked it up and turned it over before tossing it back down and scoffing as he scathingly stared at me.

again. again? another one? i don't understand you. i don't see how you can be so damn smart but so fucking stupid. you don't have to lower yourself for these dudes, thea. you're worth so much more than that. you waited all this time even though you knew he wasn't worth shit, and have the nerve to act surprised now that you don't hear from him. hello! ever heard of jail bitch? the dumb chicks that you get to write to you and get you things and degrade themselves by taking naked pictures?
we weren't like that!! it wasn't...
it wasn't anything you thought it was, but everything you knew it to be. it was a game. and because you refused to admit that to yourself, you lost.
he...loved...me!! he did!! he...does...
so why are you so sad? why are you so alone? why are you fucking someone else? why are you drinking? there's like a hundred cigarette butts around here. i'm guessing you're not sleeping, either. the way your skin looks, you must be mad stressed out. and you're back to fucking dude? how was that ever a good situation?
i love him! that's how it was a good situation. because he fucking wants me, how about that? because when he comes to me its because i know he wants me...he looks at me...he touches me...he fucks me like...he means it...
he just doesn't want to be with you. but that's ok, right? as long as he fucks you, he's worth your love...right? get the fuck out of here! one day you're going to run out of excuses, girl...then what? one of these times, you might actually find someone...again...who really loves you, and what then? you going to fuck them over like you did me? why do you always insist on loving the wrong fucking guy?
because when you love the right guy, it hurts when they lie or leave!
and this...this doesn't hurt? hoping for this asshole to come back or that jerk off to realize what he could have doesn't hurt? drinking and smoking and not eating or sleeping doesn't hurt? who's the liar now, tete?

he left then, after shaming me with his admonishings and making me want to crawl into myself. he left me then, with me almost in tears, but too tipsy to care to cry. he left me then, chain smoking and cursing at his shadow that was long gone. he left me then, sleepless and alone in my bedroom. he hates me because i love worthless men. he hates me because i loved him but was smart enough to stop. he hates me because he couldn't break me. he hates me because he can't have me. but i keep him around, because in spite of his hissy fits, he can be a cool guy to chill with. i think last night was just a bit too much for him...my sadness, the letter sitting there, swiz's fingerprints bruised on my skin. he hates dooley because he knows that dooley was the one i left him for in the first place. he hates swiz because he's the only guy i've ever slept with without being in a relationship with. he hates himself because he's a fuck up, but i still care about him.

but he had a point.

i stared long in the mirror last night. i do look battered, and not because of the bruises. i do seem cowed down a bit. i look...desperate, hollow, worn, afraid, bitter...i look so...sad.

and i guess i am waiting for dooley to come to me or swiz to turn to me, because right now, nothing really seems real. it's all a copy of a copy of a copy...and i'm just lost in the fray...

searching for the real thing.

you're so beautiful...a beautiful, fucked up man

2005-09-21T21:10:00.000-04:00

i heard our songs today...after not hearing them for so long, i heard them today on the radio.
john legend was in the background when i called mark at work, and listen to your heart was on becca's radio here after i had a stray thought about him and whispered, "fuck you" to his picture on my desk.

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

i wonder if he got locked up yesterday when he went to court. maybe that's why i heard the songs. there's some reason...i just don't know what it is. it's a shame i don't even know where my boyfriend is. well, ex-boyfriend. or is he? i don't know. it's over in my mind, but i haven't been able to talk to him long enough to tell him that we're through and he's never taken the time to tell me we're through so i'm thinking neither one of us knows that the other one knows that we're though.

damn.

i just looked at the date.

it would have been 11 months today.

damn.

caring is creepy

2005-09-20T19:22:00.000-04:00

he didn't come

i've never hurt so bad in all my life.

something is forever broken now.

something is dead now.

i thought it was me...but it's not.

it's us.

we are broken forever.

we are dead to me.

and he's the murderer...he's the culprit...

guilty and sinned, his hands bloodied from steadily beating us down...

he could still stand before me and beg my forgiveness,

and i would still melt at the sight of his face

and damn me for still loving him.

damn me to hell.

i'm gone find my way home

2005-09-19T20:51:00.000-04:00

i got in touch with him today.

i only wanted to talk about the phone and what to do and to tell him i never want to see him again...but he asked to come see me...

and i said yes...

and that was the most fucking retarded thing to do because i know he won't come...
and it will kill me...it will kill me...

and just when i had gotten used to the idea of being dead.

here he comes to resurrect me just to kill me...
again.

does she know that you told me you'd love me until you died?

2005-09-17T16:06:00.000-04:00

NOTHING SINCE WEDNESDAY.

i am so fucking through.

there's a little black spot on the sun today

2005-09-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

he called me this morning.

turns out he had to get picked up to do 5 days for another fine he had. his p.o. had came and got him friday.
he just got out yesterday...and called me this morning.

so that's where he's been while I've been fornicating.

i am trying to feel guilty, but i don't kinda. mainly i feel justified. mainly i feel like if he hadn't fucked up so much in the first place, i never would have had those thoughts and took it there. mainly i feel like he's still not telling the whole truth.

mainly i feel like he is still leaving me.

so i don't feel guilty or sad. i am waiting to see if anything changes in the next few days. i am waiting to see if we should even try to be together. i am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i do feel bad though, because out of all the things i thought was going on...this never crossed my mind.

so really...what does that say about me?
fuck that...
what does that say about us?

when i sing this song i get so teary eyed

2005-09-13T19:11:00.000-04:00

he never loved me if he could do this to me.

it was all a lie if he can do this to me.

yet...

i hope i am wrong...

he could never do this to me.

what am i to you?

2005-09-12T21:30:00.000-04:00

he called friday afternoon and was supposed to come that night.

once again, he didn't call or come.

i haven't heard from him all weekend or at all today.

in my mind, we've broken up, he's just not giving me the chance to say this to him because he's too much of a coward to say it to me.

so it's not my fault that I will be fucking swiz tonight before I get a chance to break up with him.

if he wasn't such a selfish, fucking asshole...none of this would be happening.

we never would have gotten here.
we never should have gotten here.

how the fuck did we get here...
after all the promises we made not to go there?

i hate you so much right now

2005-09-10T17:38:00.000-04:00

i hear that when someone is stabbed, they don't feel anything after that first plunge...that the body goes into shock, thus making them numb to any further stabs into their being.

it's that first cut, full of anger and surprise and disbelief that hurts the most...that makes them writhe in pain and wail and waiver. they could be stabbed a thousand times, and nothing will be felt except that first blow...that malicious jab aimed to maim or kill...

that's all you feel...and everything else...is numb.

i think he stabbed me months ago, that first stab of anguish i felt when i heard that message on the phone...and i've been numb to all his subsequent slashes since. so maybe that's why as much as i am hurting, it's like i don't really feel anything. the damage has already been done and i am laying here dying and i don't even realize it...

bleeding...bleeding out...dying...
numb to it all...
still holding on to the last thing i remember him saying before he penetrated my soul...
"i love you, star..."

and maybe that's why my mind is still holding onto him...because i remember love and i still harbor love...
and the numbness is just freezing it all inside of me so it will never escape...
even as i am bleeding...bleeding out and dying...
holding onto a faint hope of salvation.

stay or leave, i want you not to go but you should

2005-09-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

there's nothing worse in the world than hearing "i told you so"...
especially when you're standing and staring at yourself in the mirror as you say it.

i got to see him, but we didn't really get to talk. so many things are wrong between us right now that i don't even know where to begin.

he came, played the game, and couldn't leave fast enough. and he never came back. and i still haven't gotten a call.

i think it's over and neither one of us wants to say it.

but i will...next time i talk to him...i will say it...

and fall apart forever when he quietly agrees and never love anyone again.

somehow, "i told you so", just doesn't seem to cover it.

i should have known the minute he told me he loved me that we wouldn't be together.
that's just how it goes.

at least...that's how it always happens for me.

i guess, you say...what can make me feel this way?

2005-09-06T18:52:00.000-04:00

he just called me. he's home. been home all day.

he just called me.

he called me and had me on hold 4 1/2 of the 7 minutes i was on the line.

i fucking hung up.

i don't think i will be seeing him tonight or for awhile even.

and i don't even care. i don't care at all.

i am hoping this is just pms making me feel like this.

if not...it's over...

and for once, i'm not going to fucking pretend or stay to try and work it out or second guess what i am feeling and stay just so i'm not alone. if this feeling isn't gone in a week...then we will be.

he still hasn't even called me back.
he probably doesn't even know i'm gone.

how could the one i gave my heart to...

2005-09-03T16:47:00.000-04:00

drinking yourself into a stupor is really underrated.

whilst in a stupor, a thought caught hold in my brain and it has been stewing there all day.

without negating anything i have done or downplaying it in the least, the truth is...he brought us to this. if he hadn't been fucking around and acting like a dick and lying to me, swiz never would have had a chance. but no, he had to make me doubt us and him and myself...he made me feel foolish for loving him and believing in him...he hurt me so many times...and each time i forgave him. each time i would try to move past it, but then the next thing would come and i would blow it out of proportion so it would end up being my fault instead of his...but really...yeah...it was his.

and i've been lying to myself every time i convince myself otherwise.

still...i did a bad thing. a wrong thing. and i still feel like shit for i have done and i will never forgive myself, even though i have always forgiven him.

so here it is, i have to tell him the truth, even if it's just to see if he's going to be a dickhead about it, after everything he did to me to push me away and feel like shit and was forgiven for.

i am so scared. not scared that he'll leave me. just scared that he isn't the man i have always believed him to be...

and then the one man i have always believed in and loved and admired will have turned out to be nothing more than another lie that i deluded myself with.

please...i can't lose that...it has been all that has kept me together...the dream that dooley is everything that i have always needed and wanted.

if that is taken away from me...

eyes of a tragedy

2005-09-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

i haven't been sober much.

i guess you could say i feel guilty.
i guess you could say i feel remorse.
i guess you could say i feel confused.
i guess you could say i feel real fucked up.

i wish none of this had happened, but at the same time, i question it. why did he come to me? why did i give in? why was i having nightmares about dooley cheating on me and leaving me? is that what drove me into swiz's arms? was i just lonely? was i doing it to purposely fuck us up?

or did i just do it to see if i could?

i haven't the foggiest notion as to why this happened when it did. i mean...7 days left and that's when i decide to fuck up. not even enough time to recover if i do choose to lie. not enough time to see if it was just a slip, and swiz is sorry and wants to prove that he can be my friend. not enough time to see if swiz realized that he fucked up and he misses me and loves me. not enough time for me to dwell on anything and come to a conclusion. not enough time to resign myself to losing dooley. not enough time to let it sink in that i was played.

not enough time in the world to turn time back and make it so this shit never happened.

why am i such a fuck up?

remember when you caught me cheating?

2005-08-31T20:58:00.000-04:00

7 days to go.

i made it all the fucking way to 7 days and then what happens?

swiz happens.

technically, it wasn't sex, and i don't mean that in a lewinsky type of way. i mean, i don't know what i mean. there's no excuse. anything naked and intimate is sex to me.

to me...it's cheating. to dooley, it would be cheating.
i am a horrible, unfit person. i'm like one of those people that speak out against abortion and then goes to have one when i get knocked up because i can't handle it.

i have never cheated. not even on the assholes i've been with. i hated them and i didn't ever even think about crossing that line. and now...that's shot. i cried almost all day yesterday. went home and got drunk. had a few shots before i came in just to steady myself.

this is eating me alive.

i have been told not to tell him. and this is by men. men are telling me not to tell dooley unless he asks me a direct question. like...
what's up?
nothing.
what you been doing?
nothing special.
did you see him?
yes.
and?
and we're cool. that was all i needed.
(still not lying so far)
what happened?
....

however that question is answered determines everything. but if he never asks, then i should never tell. let sleeping dogs lie. with everything i've been going though, it was understandable. that's what i'm told. but is it really understandable? was it really a mistake? a fucking week before he comes home and i do this?

seems like escapism to me.

seems like i've abracadabra'd my ass right on out of love and into a locked box.

isn't that how houdini died?

that's the way love goes

2005-08-29T17:44:00.000-04:00

he called me 11.30 yesterday, waking me straight out of my vodka/sleep deprivation induced coma. becca and i had stayed up all night talking and drinking, and i didn't crawl into bed till after 7.30 am. the whole world was pricked with fuzzy razor blades, and the first half hour we talked, my voice was so hoarse and i was struggling to keep my eyes open so bad that i wanted to tell him to call back later. even he seemed to be in a blah mood as he bitched about this and that and kept asking me to say something. but then i said something that woke us both up.

"well, fuck it...you only have 9 more days, so who cares?"
"say that again?"
"what? it's only 9 more days, right? yeah..."
"mmm baby...say that again for me...how many days?"
"only 9 days, baby..."
"and then i'll be back where i belong...with you..."

he told me about his video court date...where basically the judge is a dick with his head so far up his ass he dreams about being a burrow. basically, he comes home and then has to go to court again on 9-20. the judge is trying to make him do the 10 days, pay the fine, AND pay the bogus warrant fine. how can you pay a fine when you get locked up while you're already locked up? they put a warrant out on him just for that. it's so stupid i wanted to laugh, but it really just pissed us both off too much to even play it off.

so we talked from 11.30 to 1.30, and that's going to be a pretty chunk on my phone bill...but it was nice to talk to him. i told him we wouldn't be doing anything that first night, and told him he didn't even have to come see me that day...that it could wait a few days...but he insisted he wanted to come right away, because next to his family, i was the only person that stood by him. i didn't tell him we couldn't have sex because more than likely i'll be on my period...i wanted to hear his reaction. he didn't sound like he was too cool with it, but he rebounded well...saying he was disappointed, but he understood. part of me is relieved, but mainly i'm pissed about it. i want him to come and lay with me for awhile. i want to have the choose to say yes or no...not have mother fucking nature choose it for me. but i think it's all for the best.

wow...8 more days....

8...more...days

god only knows where i'd be without you

2005-08-29T00:55:00.000-04:00

-how i see you-

i know you so well
that you have become
angles and curves and shades of light
that float on my fingertips
even in my sub sleep dreams.
my arms fall around you easily,
capturing your laughter in my heart
as you dive into my eyes
and your soul soothes mine
with superfluous simplicity
that steels me with this peace...
that steels me with your peace.
with you i am still-
quiet and at rest
even as i am freefalling.
time slips into itself
so that our future and past overlap
to create this impenetrable warp
where nothing exists but us...
where nothing matters but us...
and life is every wonderful thing it should be,
charmed with blissful, lovely innocence.
i love you so well
that sometimes i can't even bear
to look at you fully...
you are nothing more than curves and angles
and blinding bright prisms of light
that fascinate me more than words can explain.
your grace and beauty
always undo me.
my angel, please forever be mine.
please angel...
stay and love me forever.

my baby just cares for me

2005-08-27T15:27:00.000-04:00

he called this morning.

he called and i thought it was a telemarketer so i didn't want to wake up fully to answer it, but when the phone rang right again, i knew it was him and i reached for it, but when i answered, he had hung up.

he didn't call back again.

i know it might seem silly, but now i'm worried. i'm not sure why he called today...he's supposed to call tomorrow. he probably didn't call back because he figured i was at work because he knows i work saturdays, and more than likely he didn't have any particular reason to call in the first place...but still...i get nervous when routines get broken.

but it does feel nice to know he was thinking about me.

i just hope nothing happened.

damn.

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right

2005-08-26T18:37:00.000-04:00

i am sick with anticipation...honest and truly sick to my stomach with anticipation.
he comes home in 11 days. 11 days is all i have left to pull it the fuck together...
and i am steadily falling apart instead.

i will always wonder about whether or not he loves me. i will always wonder if he's cheating. i will always wonder if he's lying to me. i will always wonder when he will leave.

i will always feel afraid and insecure. i will always feel like i'm not good enough. i will always feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i will always feel like it's a lie.

i will always know that there is something special between us. i will always know that he chose me. i will always know that if we don't work out, it's because we don't want it to work. i will always know that in spite of everything, we shared a great love.

what i wonder, feel, and know are all totally different things that clash and null each other. nothing seems congruent with anything else. with every thought i fall deeper into contradiction and hypocrisy.

the only thing that rings true is that i love him. in spite of my fears, hopes, and doubts, i love him. i have never stopped loving him or waiting for him. more than likely, i will never stop loving him...it's too involuntary to be stopped.

hopefully, it's the only talisman i need to keep the demons at bay until my baby comes home and slays them for me...
and maybe then i'll learn how to slay them myself.

cold, cold water surrounds me now, and all i've got is your hand

2005-08-25T21:07:00.000-04:00

i wonder if i am the only woman in the world that is constantly disappointed in herself?

i stand in front of the mirror sometimes and i want to cry...sometimes i do cry...because i wish so badly that my reflection could be beautiful. i wish i were beautiful and curvy and sexy.

i wish i were someone else.

i stand there looking at myself, scrutinizing my many flaws, and i wonder and wonder and wonder how any man can look at me and find me desirable. i glare at these defects with glassy eyes full of hate as my heart screams in my ears that he won't want me....that he will leave me for someone smart and beautiful...that sex with me will repulse him...that he could never really love me...

that i don't deserve to be loved.

but mostly, i stand there thinking that if i can't find anything good about me, that it must be a lie that he does.

people say that it's foolish to want to be beautiful because beauty fades, but i don't care. i would give anything to be beautiful. i would sell my soul to be beautiful and confidant and graceful for just five minutes so that i could always carry that feeling inside of me and maybe that would overpower this fear and unworthiness that i am constantly feeling.

and then maybe i would believe in his love for me and just be happy with him and love him as hard as i want to love him without worrying and doubting all of the time.

he tells me i'm beautiful and i try to make myself believe it because if i don't, than i'll stop believing in him...

and we all need something to believe in to survive...
don't we?

you make me feel like a natural woman

2005-08-24T18:17:00.000-04:00

i got a letter last night.

can you hear me smiling...because i am. smiling so hard my cheeks are fucking killing me.

i am so freaking easy to please.

today he goes to video court and we will finally know what's what as far as when he comes home. i think he'll call me tomorrow to let me know how it went...but i'm not sure. he might just wait til sunday. i'm kinda all over the place with my thoughts right now...barely able to keep myself from kissing his letter like a lovesick teenybopper.

"you are truely one of the most beautiful people i have met in my life. fuck what other people might say or think, including family. when i got to your last letter, i was feeling some type of way. i felt like you needed to be protected from the wrongs in the world. i just want you to know that you don't ever have to worry about me not loving you because you're not street enough or because of your looks or weight. i love my book worm with the pretty eyes and the yellow skin and the wide ass. you are like a ray of sunshine to me, when i'm down and out you always make me feel special, always know that. you make me happy and that's all that really matters in my eyes. you'll always be a star. my star. i'll love you always."

i wish i could always feel the same way as i do now.

I want to fuck you like an animal

2005-08-23T18:34:00.000-04:00

i am getting pretty randy with not having sex since december.

it is so true...you never know when the last time is going to be the last time until you think back on it. the last time i was with swiz, was to me, the best we ever had. it was like we finally found our thing, you know? our rhythm. we had each other's moves and quirks and curves committed to memory, so when we had sex that night, it was like we had loved and sexed each other for a thousand years and we were made to be together. and honestly...i don't think i ever loved him more than i did that night. not really because of the sex, but because i knew that our days were numbered...and i opened myself fully to him...because i knew soon...we would have that anymore.

i never thought that it would be the last time though.

it seems it was a fitting end. i don't think we could have handled being any more "familiar" with each other without actually "being" with each other without it ruining us. that was the funny thing with him. we would have these times when he couldn't seem to bear to be away from me. he would call a lot and come over more often...he would talk sweet to me in bed and hold me naked in his arms afterwards like he was afraid of letting go. sometimes...we would just click. and become beautiful. and he would freak out and stay away for awhile. that's what happened that last time. we clicked. we said things we shouldn't. he went away. he stayed away too long. part of me thinks that's the only reason dooley was able to get me to pull away from him...the fact that he stayed gone for so long. when dooley asked me to stop seeing him, i knew i wouldn't be able to resist swiz if he were to call. but then he didn't call. and i got a little stronger. and then...i could resist...his power was gone.

so why am i thinking about this now? because i so freaking horny i can't stand it. it's like i'm in heat or something. it's been like that for the last month, but it just seems to be getting worse. and i want to fuck swiz in the worst way...honest by golly i do. but i can't. i'm taken. i made a promise and i'm sticking to it. me and my big mouth.

down to 14 days. 14 days and my baby should be standing on my doorstep. but how will we be? as much as we talk and as much as it seems like we are into the same kinky thangs...will we be sexually compatible? i mean...we were before. but shit...that was what...wow...5? years ago...i think. i can't remember. we were on and off so much back then. but that's just it. we were different people back then. will our glands still call to each other. will he think i'm sexy? he says he thinks i am. he says he thinks about my skin and my eyes and my mouth and my ponytails all the time. i don't know. it's simple to just say that i'm nervous, but it's so much more than that...ranging on so many different levels besides that.

we have so many levels we have to go through when he comes home. so many things we have to relearn, unlearn, and learn about each other before we make it so much more complicated by jumping in bed. and while most of the time, i just see myself falling into his eyes and sexing until we're sore the second i see him...sometimes i want to just run away screaming, so scared to have him touch me or see me...so scared...that i won't be what he wants.

maybe that's why swiz is so attractive right now. fucking was never a problem for us. we fell into that easy. it was the love thing that fucked us up.

the love thing was the only thing dooley and i got right. it's never done us wrong. it was the life thing that turned us all around and fucked everything else up.

i hope this life thing won't get the best of us this time.

choosey lover, i'm so glad you chose me

2005-08-22T18:15:00.000-04:00

i talk a lot of shit...and i always end up looking like a smacked ass because of it.

sunday morning the phone rang and i knew it was him and i didn't answer. he called again and once again i rolled over and went on sleeping. third time, yup, i was still sticking to my guns.

mother fuck that nigga, for real.

then the day wore on...and i was getting kind of angry that he only called 3 times. i mean, what if i just missed the calls, you know? what if i wasn't making it to the phone in time? what if i was hurt or sick or something? three calls is all i get? what the hell man!!

so becca calls me and then i fly into a rage about it. she was chastising me for getting mad that it was only three calls. she said that's more than she would have called, but i didn't care. i went on and on, bitching about him and how he's an asshole and how i could be out getting my buns done instead of waiting for this jerk to come home. and on and on and on.

but when i got off the phone with her, i started feeling bad and a bit sad that i didn't get to talk to him. and then the phone rang and it was him again. but i was still feeling a bit stubborn, too, so i didn't get it. then about a half hour later it rang again, and i ran to get it, because i knew it was him, and instead of acting happy to hear his voice, i sounded as sour and nonchalant as i could. he figured something was going on because i didn't answer before, and then he knew for sure when i really didn't have any rap for him. i was so angry and frustrated that i was on the verge of tears, because it's all just so...sad. i'm going through all these fucking emotions and he doesn't even know it. doesn't even know how i walk the thin line of staying or leaving, loving and hating him with every little step i take. he'll never know just how damn complicated this whole fucking thing is...in my mind.

before i could even get into being a supreme bitch, he told me he wrote me and he was sorry it took so long but he didn't have an envelope. and it has a picture in there for me. and he was sorry about friday, but with him working and jumar, he gets back just in time to wash before he has to go to that. and he said he would call another day, but that's not going to work either because he doesn't get back til 10.30 or later, and he knows that's when i'm on my way to work. and he's been thinking about me and misses me and he loves me and i'm his star.

and i felt so go'damn small i thought i could vanish. i wanted to. i wanted to fade away as fast as possible.

but i was still being stubborn, if you can believe it. it wasn't until he kept cracking jokes and making me laugh that we fell back into normal and i was in love again. not like i was ever out of it. i guess you could say i was sane again. not like i was sane before. but whatever.

i told him about what went down with swiz, and asked him how he would feel if swiz and i were to remain friends (which...the more i think about it, i know for sure it's not possible). he said he doesn't condone it, but he can't tell me what to do. so i asked why and he said plain and simple

"because you guys used to be fucking. and now he wants to be friendly? naw. that's bullshit. not that i wouldn't trust you...but i know i don't trust him, and eventually i'd hate him, and then it would cause a problem between me and you."
"but we were friends before. i just hoped...i don't know...that we could still be cool. but he did kind of switch up kinda fast. i was thinking i should go see him and hang out to see if we could be...i don't know...just be..."
"i would rather you didn't."
"okay?"
"it's like...okay. it's like when you're driving on a highway. doing like 75 in the fast lane, racing to wherever you have to go, right? but then traffic pops up and you have to slow down and switch from lane to lane, so there's more interferance and hassle, but you're still moving, right? that's all he did, babe. he went from one medium to another but he still has the same goal in mind. he'll deal with you having a boyfriend and he'll back off of that a bit, but trust me...trust me...he will try to fuck you again, and i'm not having that. me condoning a relationship with him is like giving him permission to try at you, so fuck that. you get what i mean?"
"you and your damn eupahmisns...you kill me."
"but i'm right..."
"yeah...i hate to admit it...but i think you are..."

i am really glad i didn't send him the letter i wrote. i really don't think it would have turned out as well as our conversation did.

and now i feel myself letting go of swiz again, and i am growing calmer. it's so fucking funny to me, i only had a problem with dooley because he was in the way of me fucking swiz.

sometimes, even i am amazed by my stupidity.

maybe we'll never find, maybe we won't survive

2005-08-20T15:02:00.000-04:00

i think i might have broken my heart again

and no super glue in the world can fix it this time.

i'm hoping maybe it's just a another cra/ck that i'll be able to put some /tape/ on...

but how many cra/ck/s does it take before something irrepably *s*h*a*t*t*e*r*s* and is broken forever?

hold on to yourself for this is going to hurt like hell

2005-08-19T18:01:00.000-04:00

there was no letter.

i was ready not to answer his call today...

but the asshole didn't call!!!

he was probably at work again and didn't get back in time to call me before Jumar again. yes, that is possible. even still, i don't care. i'm still livid.

what the fuck, man?

and yeah...i know i'm only agitated now because part of me wants to have a reason to to fuck swiz...Yeah...i can admit that freely.

but still...
i hate doing this to myself. i hate working myself up into a lather and seeing shit that isn't there and fixating on shit that i can't do anything about.

i hate the fact that i'm horny and scared and swiz has come along at the perfect time to blow everything out of perspective with perfect precision. i'm like a disgruntled construction worker and he's like the wrecking ball on a crane that i'm driving. the mark, the position, the aim, the timing is all up to me. the destruction path is one that i follow or make...so if anything goes wrong or gets fucked up, it's all on me. not the ball. i have the choice to do what's right or to just snap and knock everything i've helped to build to shit.

sometimes i wish i had the courage to quit this job...
but really i'm just wishing for my foreman would come and give me the position i really want.

even when your hustlin' days are gone

2005-08-18T20:10:00.000-04:00

right now i am really fucking aggitated.
severely.fucking.aggitated.

i went home last night, and there still wasn't anything from him in my box. this is after he said he would write me on sunday. it takes a fucking day to get from there to here...so um...what the fuck?!?! and i seriously just stood at the box last night staring in disbelief, and more than hurt, i was pissed. so damn pissed i couldn't even think straight.

this morning i was running late, and it was still bothering me as i clamped on my necklace. i mean, it costs him 37 cents to write me. that's it. but it costs me like 5.25 every fucking time he calls and when he calls, it's like 3 in a row...never just one call. so it's ok for me to fucking waste my time and write him letters and of course i should fucking pay for the privilige to talk to him, right? i mean, really, that's what it is. i pay for his attention. what the fuck is that?

so fuck this. i know i won't have a letter in my box tonight, so tomorrow when he calls, i'm not fucking answering. sunday neither. and screw writing anything either. my time is just as fcking important as his, even more so since i'm actually doing shit like working and maintaining while he's there justating basically. bloody hell man.

i am so fucking angry at him.

and then becca points out something to me. she was like, "you know...up until swiz showed up, you were fine with everything. dooley was the best thing in the world. you weren't tripping or worried about mail or anything...now all the sudden he's an asshole and you're fed up and you're like picking at every little thing like you're looking for a reason to be pissed. like you're looking for a reason for you to call swiz. that's just not right, becca. what's the real problem?"

i was mad she said that, but she is right. the second i heard from swiz, i was mad at dooley again. but on the same token, since then, he's done shit to piss me off. no letter? doesn't he realize how baddly i need to hear from him right now? doesn't he understand how close i am to walking away? it seems like whenever i need him most, he disappoints me, and it gets magnified because there's someone else around me willing to be there for me and give me all the attention he won't. and it heightens my angst and hurt and he's a fucking asshole for it. how hard is it for him to keep his word? that's what really gets me. he's breaking his word...when i really need him to prove true. when i need him to remind me that he loves me...and these other guys don't.

instead of making it seem like they all care for me...and he just won't.

i'm probably being really irrational right now, but i don't fucking care.
i am just really aggitated right now...
and i have to blame somebody for it.

temporarily pacify me

2005-08-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

i feel like the prettiest whore on the block right now.

that's not a really flattering feeling. it feels more like i'm being really fucking egotistical, but being that i don't have that much of an ego, i'm not sure how that is possible. but i feel as if i'm being primed...stroked, have you...by a few of the pivotal men around me.

i get a call earlier from mark, upset that i haven't called him lately and that when we do talk i don't sound like "theapatra" and he's not liking it. he wouldn't let me off the phone until he gave me his itinerary and when the best time to call is after making me promise to call him later on tonight. he stunned me when he was hanging up by making this noise and saying "alright star, call me later."

only puppy calls me star, ok? he is the only one that calls me star, says i'm his star, and to hear another man call me that knowing that...threw me a bit. mark has never called me that. he always calls me his theapatra. but it made me smile to hear that he missed me.

then bam texted me last night and it was the first time i had ever called him and had a conversation. he can be really flattering...telling me i was intelligent and kind hearted and yes...even naive. it's not like he's trying to get with me....he's just being a good friend that knows that i have esteem issues. he does this thing now, where he walks up to me and either hugs me to his side or rubs my back, and i swear, i just feel so fucking satisfied that i've caught myself snuggling my head against him and purring like a fat cat.

then there's eric, who no matter what, has this incredible knack for making me feel like an insipid sex object, and by golly, i fucking like it. the way he tells the story, every man i know is only my friend because they are trying to get into my pants. being that i'm a fucking whack job, the thought that all the guys i know are really just biding their time to try to get a whack a knocking me off comforts me. i never really did understand that one...but i've always enjoyed being treated like a piece of ass. esteem issues? nah...i got a lifetime subscription.

of course, there's swiz, who was the first guy to be able to look into my soul and see that deep down, i want to be claimed. that i want to be dominated. that i want to be broken. that i want to be someone's brazen little whore. he looked into my eyes and saw that, and gave me what i had always been afraid to ask for. every time i talk to him, it's like his voice is caressing me. he manipulates me easier than obi wan could with his jedi mind trick, and i really feel no shame in that. bruise me, use me, abuse me baby. i am yours to treat as you will. and maybe that's why his hold is so strong...because he knows my secrets...because he grants my wishes. we have that caveman kind of love...precursory, primal, predatory. we come together like flipped magnets. but then, as in all things, we leave the land of instinct and wander into the cerebral, and that's where we fall apart. sometimes...there really isn't any other level you can go to...just father apart on the same plane until you turn to race back...and crash together again.

then there's dooley...my heart...my love. i can't really go on the sex part, except that we are both into the same kinky shit and he likes my rounded curves and pony tails and bewitching eyes. no, he hasn't tapped into my secrets like swiz has yet...but i have a feeling he will. just by the way our personalities copulate. i know he will be able to crawl inside of my dirty little mind and toss his mental jism onto the ceiling. but one thing he has, has always had, that no other man has done...he makes me feel safe. he makes me feel beautiful without even trying. he makes me want to try to be the woman he claims i already am. he makes loving him as thoughtless and easy as breathing.

and with everything, i know with him...i am loved.

and i guess that's why he always wins.

nothing can compare...

nothing at all.

wicked witchcraft

2005-08-16T19:20:00.000-04:00

i'm not superstitious...i'm not.

but i do believe in signs. and angels. and dreams. and visions.
but i am not superstitious.

i believe in signs because i have witnessed them. i would see parallels between instances and situations that most people couldn't see. like a song coming on when you're thinking of someone. or you're about to do something and something subtle happens to deter you. or that feeling that you get in your stomach when you're about to say something you might regret. or that tingle down your spine that tells you someone is in trouble. yes...those...are signs. and i have experienced them. and i believe. so call me stupid.

and angels. i think we all have guardian angels, and i think they talk to us. those little voices you might hear or imagine you hear in certain situations are them. those times when you are alone and you can't help but talk out loud to nothing, you're talking to them. when you ask for help, or strength, or courage and you feel that calm come over you that tells you you can do it, it's them. when you feel afraid and something tells you to get the fuck out of somewhere, they're warning you. angels are everywhere at all times around you. i have seen them and talked to them all my life. and i believe. so call me stupid.

and dreams...and visions. that de ja vu feeling is real. you haven't done it before, but you've seen it before. out of a bunch of nonsense, tumbles a dream so realistic that your mind tries to wipe it from memory. why? because it will happen. or it did happen and you're not prepared to deal with it. visions, sometimes deemed as daydreams, are constant depending on the content. i have actutally watched something happen, warned my family, and then watched it happen for real when they didn't listen. dreams...and visions...should not be so easily dismissed as brain candy. i have seen things and then experienced those same things i saw sometime later and remembered dreaming or seeing them before. and i believe. so call me stupid.

but i am not superstitious. i am not.
swiz is a superstition...the devil coming back to haunt me because i didn't lay it properly to rest. well, technically, that's an old wives' tale, but i'm not really big on that. it's not like it's voodoo or anything...which...yes...i do believe in. there is a rythem to life, even while it seems to lack reason, there is a certain flow to everything and if you really pay attention, it balances out. if you really watch everything, you will find the rythem and instead of jumping all over the place like an ass, you will figure out a way to dance to it. i really do believe this.

and i say this and some people tell me i believe in the dumbest things or that i don't really believe, i just say that i do. just like some people don't think that this is a real diary. sorry to disappoint, but i couldn't bullshit up like this if i tried. my imagination is way better than this. i would come across a better heroine if this was a fake story...like duh...who wants to be the asshole all the time?

i was thinking about beliefs. and i remembered something puppy told me when we were talking about religion. he said a man will stand by his convictions, but a real man will die for his beliefs. and i believe in you, bay. i really do. and i started thinking about how i always seem to look for signs to take me away from him, but they always seem to push me to him. and i thought about that old wives' tale when swiz crossed my mind, and though i don't believe in them, i believe in something far greater than can possibly be affected by it.

i believe that dooley and i are meant to be together.
more than i believe in anything else.
so if i have to become a bit superstitius to slay an old wives' tale before it can effect something i believe in, than so fucking be it.
if i can't stand up and fight for what i believe in for once, then i might as well be dead anyway.

i believe in you and me, baby...
and i'd rather fucking die than to let someone destroy that.

either way i choose, i lose

2005-08-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

he called me yesterday morning and made everything all right, and then he called me last night and made everything all wrong.

how am i that ill fated that they would both call on the same day, both sounding wounded that i haven't talked to them in awhile, both burrowing their way deeper into my heart, both reassuring the thought that i don't ever want to have a life without them in it...

but one of them will have to go...won't they?

puppy called me in the morning, apologizing for not calling or writing, telling me he misses me and loves me and he never changes...we never change...and he can't wait to come home on the 6th so he can come see me and we can talk.

and everything nagging and hurting in my life faded away into nothingness, and i was fine again. it's amazing how just talking to him can make everything alright...even when he doesn't know something is wrong with me, somehow, he fixes me.

and then swiz called me last night, apologizing for not calling and asking why i hadn't called him, telling me he misses me and wants to come see me and that his life never changes...even while the world changes...and he just couldn't wait for me to call anymore so he called to tell me he wanted to come and fuck me so bad he could barely stand it.

and everything nagging and hurting in my life came back with a vengence, and i wasn't fine anymore. it's amazing how just hearing his voice can make everything in my world seem wrong...even when he's not trying to cause chaos, he comes along and chaos is always with him.

and fuck me, man...fuck me. i finally told him i have a boyfriend, and his voice...dropped. i could tell he wasn't expecting to hear that about as much as i wasn't expecting to say it, but i had to...i had to tell him that...we couldn't...do that...anymore. and my heart dropped along with his voice, and i wanted to cry, because i don't want to lose him...as a friend. he was always such a fucking great friend, always finding me and seemingly saving me when i thought he would be gone forever. before we ever laid down, we had the best mind sex ever...just talking about everything and nothing stimulated me like nothing else...and being around him aroused me like no one else...and that...i just can't imagine letting go of that...ever. so i told him i hadn't called because i have a boyfriend and i wasn't sure if he (swiz) would still talk to me if it was only talking. he was quiet for awhile, but then he said it wasn't like that, and we were still friends...so i asked him if he wanted to come over and just hang out sometime this week. and something inside of me broke when he said yes and told me to call him. i'm guessing it was my heart from knowing we are over, but more than likely it was my sanity for thinking that maybe we're not.

whenever swiz pops up, there's always a reason...always. every reappearance by him is an auspicious one. seemingly always when i was with the wrong guy about to make a major mistake, swiz comes with all that power he doesn't even know he has and he saves me. he comforts me when the bad times come and jokes about break ups, never knowing that just talking to him pulled me away from the other guy already, and the demise of that relationship is all because of him. but this time...it's different. dooley seems to have the same power as swiz does, if you can believe that. i never thought in all my life that these two would ever come to a conclusion where they would be against each other, but they are. just like swiz seems to be my divine intervention, dooley seems to have someone intervening divinely for him. i have that same atomic clash with both of them, but in different ways. with swiz it's more mature, while dooley still has the child in me enthralled with his silliness. but every time swiz has reared up since i have been with dooley, something has happened to quell his power. something would bring dooley more into focus and swiz would fade into the background just as quickly as he came, without either of them even knowing that there was a conflict brewing in the first place. but i feel like, like i've always felt, like swiz is here again for a reason. to either keep me from making a mistake or to be the biggest mistake i could make. nothing about this feels right...feels easy...i feel like i am losing the love of my life. i feel like i have a choice to make...and neither outcome is appealing to me at all.

i know, in the end, i will lose one of them...i have to.

dooley will not be able to tolerate swiz in my life. and that's not ego speaking...i just know this. he knows too much about how i feel about swiz, and he hated him from the get go. and in dooley's eyes, i think he feels like he took me away from swiz so he can't really trust him around me. which in a way he did...take me from swiz...though swiz never really claimed me...at least not as his girl. i don't think swiz will tolerate me having a man for long either. i think he would eventually try to corrupt me...because i know his ego...and he seems to relish in the effect he has on me. i think nothing would give him greater pleasure than turning me into the whore he always thought i was. then i would be his whore...and he'd know for sure he has me in his grasp. that sounds horrible, doesn't it? that's because it is. that's because i have a thing for dominating men, and now the only two dominating men i've known...who also happen to be the only two men i have ever loved...are coming to a cataclysmic clash. i know they won't tolerate the other in my life...just like sadly, i don't think i could tolerate having the both of them in my life at the same time. they would pull me apart. like rabid dogs, they would tear me apart like a scared, wounded rabbit trapped in their path, and they would feel no remorse for it, because in their minds, i would deserve it for disrespecting one with the other.

i know this is true. still knowing this doesn't make it any easier. knowing this doesn't make me love one of them less. knowing this doesn't make me want to let one go. knowing this doesn't make a fucking thing feel like it's all going to be alright. knowing this is as good as knowing nothing at all.

so here it is, i'm trapped, because i know sometime this week, i am going to make a choice that is going to change me greatly, though, as fucked up as it sounds, i don't have a clue as to what that choice will be.

but an example of what i mean about divine interventions? last week i took this silly little test...one of those things you forward to all your friends...where it just tells you to pick names and songs and shit. dooley turned out to be the love of my life, and our song is stay with you by john legend. swiz turned out to be the one i really cared for but we could never work, and our song is cannonball by damien rice.

it seems like the answer came to me before the question came...doesn't it?
or does it?

my whole life hurts like hell right now.

when will you call?

2005-08-12T16:53:00.000-04:00

he didn't call me today.

i haven't gotten a letter this week, either.

i haven't talked to him since sunday, and that was for only 8 minutes before we abruptly cut off...either because of his phone or mine.

part of me is wondering if he's mad at me for something...or if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore...or if he's just talking to someone else...

but i won't let those thoughts run off like they usually do.

more than anything right now, i am just worried out of my mind. i hope he's ok. i hope they didn't move him again. i hope they didn't decide to give him more time. i hope he didn't get himself in some trouble.

i hope he calls or writes me...soon.

we are something like a miracle

2005-08-10T19:08:00.000-04:00

so i did my wifely duties and called the burlington district to see what is going on with hubby's court dates. so they set up a video court date for him, so he will find out if he will have to come home and then turn himself in, or if they will come and pick him up where he is and make him do the 10 days from there. so soon he should be letting me know exactly when he's coming home.

i keep thinking about his first night home and i get aggitated because i'm not sure if i should wait until he's home for one day or till he's home for good to get the hotel room with the huge tub so i can bathe him and feed him and rub him down while wearing my babydoll nightie and heels. well...i'm still debating over the nightie and heels. i'm not really all that keen about parading around half naked.

i am such a pussy.

so...time is winding down kind of fast. the weeks while i'm waiting for friday to come for a phone call pass pretty fast, though from friday to sunday it seems to eek by while waiting for him to call. i don't get it. so i decided to write the letters everyday like i said i would, and hopefully that will bring at least a small smile to his days. though, it's honestly kind of hard coming up with idle chit chat to write about.

maybe i should just write a bunch of sex letters.

i am such a fucking tease.

what i'm saying is you the man, i'm in love

2005-08-08T19:16:00.000-04:00

i am proud of the zen master of calm i have become when it comes to this relationship.

seriously.

i really haven't been stressing or anything since i wrote that letter. i was worried about the repercussions of the letter...but not about him...or us.

it's kind of...weird.

down to 29 days, and now i finally get the knack of not over reacting to everything or stressing over nothing or not really knowing anything. i am just counting the days, like a count down to take off, wondering what his days are like and if he sits there daydreaming about me too.

i was thinking about writing him stupid little letters everyday till he comes home. he so looks forward to getting mail. i think it'll cheer him up...i hope so. he sounded so gloomy last time i talked to him.

i just want him to come home. i just want to be able to curl up next to him and fall asleep at night with my hand resting on his thigh. i just want to be able to talk to him whenever i want to. i just want to cook him dinner and play video games and go to the movies with him.

i just want to love him.
i'm finally seeing that that isn't too much to ask for after all.

come on courage, teach me to be shy

2005-08-03T19:08:00.000-04:00

i have been doing good.

no letters and i'm cool. didn' t get to talk to him really on sunday and i'm alright with it.

not grumpy or sad or apprehensive...much.

not cussing him out in my mind...though...i still have outbursts where i just say "i love you, baby" to no one and nothing in particular...like it's just bubbling inside and my lips can't stop my heart from saying it.

what i am though...is scared.
i had a dream last night that i went over to his place and there was a condom on the floor and he tried to hide it from me, but i saw it and we argued. and i cried. and he blamed me for the cheating. and when i left...he did not follow me.

the dream didn't really upset me, but the motivation for it did.

i am so completely and utterly afraid that i am not pretty enough to keep him from looking at other girls and not sexually open enough to keep him from wanting to cheat.

there i said it.

this isn't a new feeling. this has been my fear all along...though i have been trying to mask it with other things. truth is, i am not a pretty girl. i won't stop a clock by looking at it, but i definitly won't stop traffic by walking by...unless it's for people to point or make a comment about the "really fat girl". there is nothing special or dramatic about me. i am just a fat girl with pretty eyes and a nice smile...easily forgotten and ridiculed...and i...don't think he'll want me after awhile. he tells me i'm beautiful and that he doesn't care, but men care...everyone cares...that whole beauty on the inside thing is total bullshit, and i should know, because i say that too, but i don't really mean it. you can be the best person, but if you're ugly, you're ugly...you just have a beautiful soul. though, i honestly do have my own idea of beauty...and someone not initially attractive can become so to me depending on their personality.

but that's beside the point. that's how i think. and i don't think like other people.

and he is soooooo egotistical. not in an overbearing way, but he is. dresses real nice, kinda vain about his appearance...how long will it be before he looks over at his huge, tomboyish girlfriend and decides he needs to go out for a pack of smokes...and never comes back? what if he wants me to do some sex thing and i'm either too fat or i can't do it because my back is fucked up from the accident or i won't do it because i'm embarrased? can he deal with that? will he?

should he really have to?

i've never cared, you know? if a guy left me...whatever. so what? but i care this time. and i am so afraid that most of what makes us us is just in my head, and when he comes home, i will find that he really doesn't love me at all. do i feel this way...no. but i do fear it. fear it more than anything i have ever been afraid of.

because we get along with everything else. we are perfect and understanding and accepting.

and if he leaves me because i am not skinny, pretty, or kinky enough...

then i really do believe

that i would never believe in love again.

it's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know

2005-07-29T16:32:00.000-04:00

he called me this morning.

yippity skippity dippity skip yip dippity dooyah!!

the phone rang and i rolled over angrily, but when i saw the number...i swear...the light the burst from my heart outshone the sun. i was so happy...but at the same time, i was wondering if he was doing what i asked him to do in the letter and was calling to tell me it was over. either way, i was dying to hear his voice.

we talked aimlessly...with him telling me stupid stories that made me laugh...and i'm just thanking god it's all ok when he said...

you get my letter yet?
yeah...just the other day.
you know i was cussing you out right...when i didn't get anything from you...
when you didn't...wait...you didn't get my letter?
what letter?
the...letter i sent on monday...i...oh...
nope. not yet. but i'm glad...because now i'm talking to you and everything is good with my baby...
um...it won't be good when you get the letter...
why? was you talking shit?
no...not really...just...um...getting my point across.
did you cuss me out?
um...no...not really...i mean, i guess it's how you take it...
uh huh. why? why would you do that?
why?why? are you serious? i was still pissed from our phone conversation sunday when you never called back! i told you i didn't want to talk about it!! i told you to just leave it alone!!
yeah...but i'm glad i didn't because i don't want you sitting there all pissed off at me and then one day you just knock the shit out of me for no reason, you know? i'd rather we talked it out, not yelling or arguing, that way we both get our point across and we hear each other. what did you say?
that i wasn't beat for all this arguing when you call me...
babe...me neither!! i hate arguing. i mean, i know i fucked up and i deserve it, but i hate you to be mad at me. i know you be calling me all kinds of names...
i've never called you a name...
in your head, i mean. i know you must sit there and cuss me out.
i'm sure you called me names, too.
no. i have never called you out like that, ask mark. well, the most i might have said is this bitch is tripping, but i never said or had it in my mind like fuck her, i don't want to talk to her, i don't want to deal with her anymore...no. i've never wanted us over...never wanted you gone. any other chick, i won't lie...i would have said go the fuck 'head by now. but...i care about you...and the dynamic of that...is different from every other relationship...every other girl.
yeah...i feel that. no other dude would have made it this far...
i really do love you. i don't just say it. it's what i feel...what i can't help feeling. it will always be that way.
have i told you i loved you today?
no...you haven't told me that in awhile in fact.
i love you, baby...
yeah?
yeah.
i love your crazy ass, too.

i'm going to listen to my hear this time. and becca...because she's right...i just need to fucking relax and stop taking everything so seriously when nothing is in either one of ours control.
and 38 days can go by before i know it...
and then the real drama begins.

have i told you i love him today?
well i do...
always have...always will.

did i say that i want to leave it all behind?

2005-07-28T19:41:00.000-04:00

i don't even

have the energy

to pretend

to have the energy

to cry

anymore.

i would hate to think that my last letter from him is going to be a sex letter describing a rather graphic sexcapade he wishes for us to partake in. he only had one sheet of paper, so it kind of gets cut off in the middle...but he got his point across. and along the side, he wrote our quip, did i tell you i love you today? well i do. today and always. and that's really the only thing i keep reading. the last letter he sent me before i sent off my ultimatum/ranting/stay or leave letter that even confused me to what my point was when i re-read and yet and still did the asshole act of sending it to him as it was.

tomorrow is friday. my how fast the week went. but yes...tomorrow is friday.

and if he doesn't call, well then...

i have no other choice than to say

goodbye.

before you tell him goodbye

2005-07-26T20:42:00.000-04:00

i'm not wearing my ring today and i feel naked.

i keep hearing that song and its driving me nuts.

i can't really sleep...and i've been listless and really lethargic.

my head has been hurting...my back has been hurting...my heart has been hurting.

i came to work and there was mail on my desk, and the stamp was one of those magnolia stamps like he used to use on his letters to me, and since i saw that...i haven't been able to stop thinking about him. he should have gotten my letter today. if not today, then tomorrow.

and then...well...i don't know what.

i should have just listened to my heart...

but instead...i flew off the handle again...

at least i know i fucked up this time.

at least this time i see the madness.

don't say good bye, say good night

2005-07-25T18:58:00.000-04:00

i wish i had a delete button instead of a self destruct button in my brain.

i say things and do things to this man i say i love and i do everything to push him away so that i can leave him and he won't be able to hurt me...but as soon as the moment comes where it seems like he might leave me, i panic and grovel and do things outside of my character to make him stay...so i hate myself for doing that...and hate him more for making me hate myself for doing that.

i was surprised when he called sunday. but the argument was still in my head from friday, so i just picked it up from where it left off. ruin my weekend, fucker? fine...i'll fuck up your week. and that's what it seems like i've become, some avenger for my hurt feelings...when really, my feelings shouldn't be hurt...at least not over the things i'm pissed about. whenever i don't get a letter, i convince myself he doesn't want me. when he doesn't call, i convince myself he's cheating. if we don't have much to say, i convince myself he's bored with me. if he tells me he loves me, i convince myself that its all a lie. and that hurts. but somewhere in my warped mind i convince myself that he's the one hurting me and not that i'm hurting myself. so then i lash out at him for things he hasn't even done, and have the nerve to be indignant when he actually ends up doing some of them.

do i forgive him for talking to other women? not really...but on the same token...i can't really blame him. a lot of the time, i made it really hard fro him to talk to me.

i am a hard woman to love.

and so i argue with him sunday morning, cry sunday afternoon, realize my sins sunday evening...but still write a bitchy letter sunday night...and still was stupid enough to send it off this morning. and i have the nerve to be sitting here with tears in my eyes because i think i have final placed down the straw that will break his back. and then i will grovel and beg for his forgiveness which will make me hate myself more and in turn hate him for making me hating myself.

and all the while...the thing hurting my feelings the most? is he didn't get to tell me he loved me before we were disconnected...and now i feel disconnected...and pissed off because i can't call him up and make him make me feel better.

if he leaves me, i will deserve it. it's my own fault. i've brought us here just as much as he has.

i do not deserve to be loved by him.

oh god...i hope he doesn't leave me.

we belong together

2005-07-22T17:30:00.000-04:00

went home to another empty mailbox. i was expecting this but still...it hurt.
not like he would know what yesterday was anyway...but still...it hurt.

so i watched constantine and then laid in the dark talking to my guardian angel. i told her i could see that she must be taking him out of my life because he shouldn't be there and i get the hint...that i would write his letter on saturday and mail it on monday, letting him know that i we should just let it go...well that i was letting go and for him not to contact me anymore. i asked why she felt like he needed to go...i told her i thought that he was the one, but he's just like every other mother fucker i've been with. i told her that i loved him though...and i would still let him go...because he was my dream, my living dream, and if she said so, i would rather let it go now than let it get bad. i said he had been the only thing i ever believed in. i asked her why he wasn't true. i asked her to give me something to believe in because i didn't want to be old and bitter and loveless like my aunt, who never had a real relationship her whole life. i told her i wanted him to love me...that i wanted us to be together...and i needed a sign to say it couldn't happen. his silence is my sign.

and as i fell asleep, i thought of what to write in the letter.
and i was woken up to the phone ringing and his voice coming at me.

i was too surprised to be happy. in fact, at first, i was really annoyed because i was pissed that it had took him so long to call and i hadn't even gotten a letter from him. so basically...it wasn't really a good conversation. and somewhere, i felt my mind screaming that i should still write the letter and tell him to fuck off.

i left the house and tried to blast my missy cd, but my radio sputtered and spit it out, and then this song came blasting through my speakers. i hadn't heard this shit in years. i sat in the car listening to it, and then i remembered everything i had said to my angel and the fact that he called...and then i hear that song...were too much. i mean...who needs a bigger fucking sign than this? it's so strange...the universe is so strange....

i've heard it 3 times today...after not hearing it since i was a fucking school girl.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heartwhen he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.
And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

yeah...listen to my heart....
i can't think of a straighter answer than that.

thanks grandma

today is a special day that's all our own

2005-07-21T18:27:00.000-04:00

on october 21 last year, i got a surprising letter in the mail from dooley.

it was him pouring his polluted little heart out, confessing that even though so much time had passed and we hadn't seen each other in so long, he was still in love with me and wanted me to be his girl. be his girl...sounds so high school doesn't it? like i wear his letter jacket and his pin and when people ask, we say "we're going steady." but in a way it is like that. i wear a necklace with his initials, a ring that bears his name, and when people ask, i say "i got a boyfriend."

i know i will go home and reread that fated letter tonight. i know i will probably cry and wish for vodka and mad cigs as i wonder at how marvelous it was that after everything we had found each other again and lo and behold...we still harbored that high school sweetheart kind of love inside. and i know by the time i fall asleep, i will be hating him again...because he took us from that to this...this melancholy madness...and in the end, he just might end up killing the one thing that ever meant anything to me....

us.

nine months ago today, i got a beautiful letter from a boy i had loved long ago, asking me to be his love again...and even as i folded back the paper in disbelief, my heart thudded loudly as i whispered "yes" to the moonlight. from that moment to this...i have been his. and as fucked up as some of it has been, i wouldn't trade that moment for the world. he is love to me...whether or not we make it to tomorrow...he will always be that to me.

happy anniversary baby...i love you...
i just wish you were here to hear me say that.

age ain't nothing but a number

2005-07-20T18:08:00.000-04:00

last night i laid in bed and was bombarded by a barrage of numbers.

we've known each other 9 years 11 months and 21 days.
we've been going out now for 8 months and 29 days.
we've been shaky for 4 months and 20 days.
we are seperated by 6 years.
he's written me 17 letters.
i have 73 texts from him.
we've almost broken up 3 times
we broke up for 1 day 1 time.
he tells me he loves me every time we talk.
he has asked for forgiveness numerous times.
he has made me cry too many times.
i've wanted to give up far too many times.
i think about him at least 10 times a day.
i dream about him at least once a week.
i've called him an asshole 1 time.
i've heard him or seen him cry 7 times since i've met him.
i make him jealous all the time.
he makes me crazy all the time.
we've loved each other always.
i never want him out of my life.
we might not last forever.

i am going to be 30 soon.
i am going to be 30 soon.
i am going to be 30 soon.

that keeps rolling around in my head. in february, i'll be thirty. thirty. and what will my life be like? will he be in my life? what about kids? my biological clock is a tick-tock-ticking away. do i even still want to have kids? fuck...can i have kids? and what about a house? i want a fucking house. if we are together, is he trustworthy in this venture? and my credit...i need to clear up my credit. and maybe take some courses. not before thirty, but at least in motion when thirty rolls in.

i have so many plans and needs and wants that need to be grounded before i'm thirty and he seems to be the main variable in every equation i come up with. i don't even know if we'll be together at the end of the week.

so how can i plan the future when i'm not even sure if we have one?

i don't think i'll ever get over you

2005-07-19T21:05:00.000-04:00

i woke up this morning so angry at him.

my cell rang and there was mark, greeting me to morning and asking how i was, and truth was, i was bitter. my man should be waking me up...not him. and i looked over at my home phone and willed it to burst into flames...but it just sat there taunting me...

and it put me in a foul mood indeed.

i formulated a letter in my head that i will send to him if i don't hear from him by friday, because really, he doesn't have any fucking excuse. i am tired of all of this ambiguity...tired of being pulled so strongly in both options of waiting for him or leaving him day in and day out, whether anything happens or not, i am still here struggling to balance out.

and i was so, so, so, so mad at him and us as i drove in to work. and i flipped the channel and heard a familiar piano tune, and instantly i was sad.

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know
baby you and I

i hate that...whenever i am thinking about him that sound magically comes on out of nowhere and it calms me inexplicably...doesn't make me sad or angry or swoony...just calm.

i don't know why or how that always happens. some have told me i have my own kind of magic and without thinking of it, i cause strange things to happen...auspicious things.

funny...but it's never the good things that i want that i can make happen...
always the bad things...
but then maybe that's because i mainly only think about bad things.

funny how things go round like that, ain't it?

it's time the truth comes out that he don't give a shit about me

2005-07-18T17:54:00.000-04:00

so he didn't call yesterday.
or today.

i am stuck between thinking him considerate and accusing him as an asshole. on one hand, he might have thought about how much it cost me to call and just decided to write a letter instead telling me so...or he might have just forgotten or had someone better to talk to.

at any rate, none of these conclusions are satisfactory to me.

i am trying so hard not to flip the fuck out and walk away. not because of the call...but because of everything else i had thought i could get past...and seemingly can't. not even that i can't...maybe i just won't get past it. i think it's easier to be mad at him than to miss him and be sad, so i sit and think of everything that pisses me off and suddenly i don't miss him anymore. suddenly, i just want to say fuck him and be the hell out...and it doesn't hurt anymore either...i don't mind anymore...losing him doesn't seem like such a huge catastrophe anymore.

and then a sweet thought catches me off guard and the sadness rolls in and i'm damn near in a vegetative state with melancholia because all i really want to do is fall into his arms and let him chase the demons away. all i want is to feel loved.

and then i am angry because i don't feel loved and he's not here to make me feel otherwise.

he didn't call me yesterday.
he didn't call today....
but somehow i got it in my head that he has done something to fuck us up and then save us once again.

how is that possible?

say that your mine and we'll shine our names on the sky

2005-07-16T17:10:00.000-04:00

it's a shame how much i am looking forward to his call tomorrow morning.

at least i hope it will be in the morning so i dont miss it.

and we can't talk for long...just about 15 minutes, ok maybe 30 if i'm feeling especially sentimental and a glutton for punishment...because it's a damn dollar a minute to talk to him, a fact we weren't aware of the first few times we talked.

so i will try to cram all my thoughts into a rushed conversation and make that be enough and spend the rest of the week hoping for another letter in my box to fill up the empty spaces in my life that his absence has created (which are really spaces that his reappearance into my life created in the first place), while trying not to think about or over analyze a future that hasn't even begun yet by convicting him of crimes he has yet to commit.

i was watching a movie and the woman said a line so simple and so profound that i was just stuck staring at the screen convinced that it was true. "i created her, you see," she hysterically cried tearfully, "over and over in my mind i conjured her and conjured his infidelity and convinced myself it was true...and so i accused him and pushed and pushed at him when he came to me begging that it wasn't true, and i ended up pushing him right into her arms because he had nothing to lose, see? i called her to us and gave him to her and now i have the gall to be upset and angry and blaming their lust for my loss, when really it was me...all me...it was always me...and now i am left with nothing more than a shadow of myself. i am the reason my love is gone."

and wow. that's me. that's exactly what i do. are my men the cause of our downfalls or am i...because i sit around and imagine the worst scenarios and treat them as if they've actually perertrated these crimes when really, it was all in my head. do these treacherous women find us or do i call them to us?

i don't know...i really just don't know...
if i have been the reason...
i just hope and pray i don't do it again.

if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you

2005-07-14T17:51:00.000-04:00

i am walking around with a purse full of letters,

sentences,

phrases...

his words, his words, his words...

spilling across slips of slightly rumpled, folded paper

colored bright yellow and faded white-

and i am reminded of dried out baby daisies i pressed between the pages of my diary when i was younger because they reminded me of happy faces,

and i smile,

because now his words are like my daisies,

bringing me to smothered giggles whenever i reach in and run my fingers across them...

pretending the coarse paper to be his lips dry from telling me he loves me until his throat closed from exhaustion.

i touch the paper and think of his lips...

i think of his lips and i remember his smile...

i remember his smile and can see the love in his eyes...

i see the love in his eyes and i know that that is why i adore him...

i know that that is why i adore him and my heart cries a love that will beat for him forever...

and my heart cries a love that will beat for him forever...

my heart cries a love that will beat for him forever.

i am walking around with a purse full of letters,

letters my baby wrote to me that are more beautiful than poetry

and the world has never seemed to me a more glorious place...

and our love could never be more perfect.

there's one perfect thing, and sugar, this one is it

2005-07-12T23:37:00.000-04:00

today is ending as one of the happiest days i've had in months.

MONTHS.

let me back up to sad yesterday. i came home and there was nothing in my box and i felt myself giving up. i felt myself trying to let it go. so i sat in front of my computer and looked him up online and i saw they had moved him and hope sprang back into my heart because maybe that was what the hold up was. maybe he hadn't even gotten my letter. so i had resigned myself to thinking i'd give it another week. but before i went to bed, for some reason i checked my caller id and it had a 609 pay phone number on there. i entered it on white pages and it came back bordentown and i couldn't stop smiling.

he had tried to call me.

7 this morning my phone woke me up and i knew who it was before i answered. i heard his voice on the message and started to cry. then he was there..."star...bay...how've you been?" he brought me up to speed about when he'd be home and then we talked about the letters and then he did it. he told me the truth. and my soul exhaled and i was happy with that. i had told him as long as he told me the truth we could move on from there and i meant it. that was all i wanted.

he must have said he loved me 20 times before hanging up.

then i come home to 2 letters from him, and i have been floating, floating, floating.

one part in paticular made me smile because i am twisted like that.

"let me tell you this. i don't know exactly what the future holds, but i will tell you this...i will never share you or let another man love you the way that i love you or touch you the way i do. you're mine, till one of us drop. no matter what our title may be, you can have no one else but me!! feel me? and i'm not playing either, that's real talk. your love is precious to me and i value you and love you for the blessing you are. i'll love you always."

i needed that. i really needed to hear that.
funny how things seem to happen for us just when we need them to, isn't it?

we might as well be strangers for all i know of you now

2005-07-11T20:17:00.000-04:00

last night i was flicking channels in a soft sophorific state, and i turned to julia roberts' face filling the screen and calling rupert everett "puppy"

i seriously felt like someone had punched me in the gut.
puppy.
i turned off the tv and stared at the ceiling until i couldn't keep my eyes open any more. i just laid there, staring, feeling so empty and hopeless and sad...wondering if i will ever know anything except this pain i've always had inside.

twice today, i have caught myself gazing at our picture on my desk, and both times, two fat tears pulsed from my eyes and slowly ebbed down my cheeks...and it felt worse than breaking down and crying...because all i had was those four tears. i am so empty i can't even cry for us anymore. i have a dull ache in my chest and he's always on my mind, but something inside of me has changed.

i think...my heart...is slowly...letting...him...go...

because the pain is a constant hum under my skin and my eyes are starting to get stingy with their tears and one out of five thoughts is about him and i am back to thinking "i" instead of "we" when i think about the future.

did we break up?
was what he wrote a question and what i wrote back the answer to end us forever?
why doesn't he tell me something...why doesn't he let me know...
will he at least give me the chance to say goodbye?

as painful as this thing has been, i still can't be with no one else

2005-07-07T15:31:00.000-04:00

i hate missing him.

i hate not hearing his voice or his laugh. i hate not arguing with him. i hate that we don't get to race to say "say something nice" at the end of a conversation. i hate saying i love you to the air. i hate that i cry and not know why when i think about him. i hate that i don't know what to do about us. i hate how the whole situation confuses me. i hate reading his letters over and over like the words are going to move around into a new letter so i don't have to wait for another one in the mail. i hate waiting for the phone to ring. i hate talking to my friends about him. i hate that i sit around wondering if he misses me or not. i hate second guessing his love for me. i hate the fact that now i can't even sit in my car without seeing that adorable smirk on his face and hear him calling me baby. i hate feeling like we aren't going to make it. i hate thinking about the possibility of him cheating. i hate this constant apprehension. i hate that other guys want to talk to me and i don't even want to look at them. i hate seeing other couples out and about and happy together. i hate knowing that something is wrong between us. i hate being a nuerotic. i hate that he is so damn egotistical. i hate that him and swiz are so similar that they can be confused as the same person. i hate that i drink myself stupid, smoke like a train and pray for all this pain to end. i hate loving him so much that i don't know what else to do besides that. i hate wasting a fucking summer once again while waiting for yet another man's love to come to me. i hate that i hate almost everything right about now....

but most of all
i hate missing him
because it paints everything else in my life the perfect shade of bullshit,
and that only makes me miss him more.

so i tell you leave, when i mean stay

2005-07-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

words....are lost on me at the moment.

there are a lot of fucked up words passing around me right now.
words coming together to say things like "not coming home til september" are the ones playing the most with my emotions right now. they are sending him back to jail for the rest of his term. he'll be gone til september.

january, february, march, april, may...i hear you crying but girl i can't stay...i'll be gone til november, i'll be gone til november...and tell my moms that i love her...

i've gotten two letters so far. the last letter has me thinking that he is either leaving me or he thinks i am leaving him...either way...it seems he is finally admitting something is coming to a head...even if he isn't saying what that is yet. first letter, my favorite words were "you looked so pretty that day. you look the same to me, only more grown up. i love you bay...always have...always will." i read it every night and cry. in his second letter the best but also the worst words are "you have to know that i will always be the one that loves you whether we are together or not. no matter what, you will always be ma girl. i know we have been through a lot these past few months but my feelings for you are the the same. nothing has changed for me. i just love you, bay. that's all."

i still listen to the voice message. every night. and cry.

and even worse, the last couple of days, someone said these things to me that have thrown me off course...

"you really do care for him, don't you?"
"isn't it weird how we have met? just think how different it might have been. i feel like knowing you has changed my life...like'ive known you for years. and now look at us...we'll never know what the future might bring us, right?"
"i am really starting to not like this swiz guy."

if some guy said that to you, what would you think the meaning would be behind that?

long as i live, you will be my first love...and i choose you again

2005-06-29T01:54:00.000-04:00

i left work and dropped his letter in the box on the way home. i even kissed it and wished it wings to find him.

because i am that corny.

and then i got home and collected the mail and guess what was there?

he wrote me.

and i don't know what is more amazing...the fact that he sent that out to me yesterday and i found where he was and sent him one today before knowing it...or the fact that we almost said the same things in our letters.

see what i mean?
who really has moments like that? i came around on my own and found him and wrote him and then come home to a letter from him.

we have to be the real thing.