The Only Star In His Sky

he got off the bracelet today.

things have been so terrifyingly wonderful between us. we have a bank account. we are getting a truck. we are getting an aquarium. we sit and talk for hours and kiss fondle like addicts with dope laced skin. no fights, no hurt feelings, no looking back...everything...all is love. i have never been happier with both a man or myself. i wish i could find the words to explain it. but i can't. words are trite and undescriptive. the only way to express what i feel now is to make words up, but even that would take away from the simple beauty that one finds when one finally lets go...and just loves.

yes...up until today, since 12/28, things were heaven for the two of us. we are closer than we have ever been...more open, receiving, and caring...we are who we want to be where we need to be.

up until today.

today he got the bracelet off.
a month from now he'll be maxed out for good.
i am scared shitless.

scared he'll go back to the streets hard and be like he was before. like, fuck her. like, i don't need her. like, she'll be there as long as i keep her there. like, as long as the dumb bitch love me, everything i do is gravey. like, i never made any promises. like, it is what it is. like, fuck everybody. like, goodbye. scared i say i am because i don't want to see this guy come back. because the moment he does show his narrow head around my door, i will slam it in his face and walk away and not look back this time. yes, things have been wonderful, but before, they weren't. and right before they became wonderful, i had one foot out of the door. i had found my strength. i still have that strength. no matter how much i love him, if he gets his ass up on his shoulders with me again, he will be out of my life in that capacity, and i won't have no problem sticking to it. but i don't want to be that girl anymore than i want him to be that guy. i want us to be us...this entity that we have transformed into...this reflection of love, happiness, and grace. it has been so easy...so wonderful...but i know it's not my job to keep us like this. it's his. it's his turn to fight and make moves and prove positive. i can't keep fighting on my own. so if he doesn't fight, i have to go. if he hugs the streets, i have to go. if he gets his back up, i have to go. no fighting, no crying, no trying...just fading back...not even noticed as gone until it's too late. that's it. i am resigned to this. i have been preparing for it. i don't want it, gone...i don't want to lose us...but at the same time, if he doesn't think we're worth fighting for or making at least a few sacrifices, then we shouldn't be here...it's just a waste of time...a lie.

i love this picture. it's on my desktop at work. it's the picture that comes up when he calls. he looks so good in it. he's making me as obsessed with his image as he is.

i've been dog sick. laid up in the bed for days sick. he hadn't called me all last week, and it was cool. he called friday and we were on the phone for hours. same for saturday night. then again on monday. it was really sweet. we talked about businesses and what kind of businessman he could be. he said we should start our own thing. i tell him things and then i always let him know that i'm not talking about us doing it or he could do it with fatboy or whoever and he says no, we could do it together. the funny thing was, i could tell he missed me. he seemed upset when he found out i was sick because he knew i couldn't come see him. but we stayed on the phone, and each time i said i could let him go he insisted on staying on the phone.

tuesday he wanted to come see me, but couldn't. yesterday he was late coming to see me, so he could only stay a few minutes. but when he came, he acted like i had the plague and we playfully sniped at each other, but when he left, my feelings were a bit hurt. i was so happy to see him, but i looked a wreck and my lip was all busted and i smelled like vicks vapor rub and i was kinda sweaty because i had just put my lotion on my face. so yeah...i looked really sick yesterday, and i didn't want to look him in the face and he left to go catch a ride...with another girl. i left to go to work and he was still out there, standing in the middle of the street talking on the phone and smiling at me. i shook my head and smiled back and got into the car. i pulled off to leave, but stopped to ask him if he needed a ride. he said she was on the way. he blew me kisses and and cat called me over to him with a cig, so i pulled next to him and talked to him for a few minutes while he waited. it's just his friend, meeka, i know...but still. i was...put off. he promised to chrip me before going to hop in her car.

hours passed. no chirp. i called. no answer. i called. no answer. that old felling was coming back. i was livid. i was imagining him with her and just ignoring my calls. i figured...here we go. few more weeks to go and he's going to start his shit. but...i reigned myself in somehow. i figured it was no big deal. he had gotten up really early and did a bunch of stressing and went through a bunch of bullshit and running around all day. he either just didn't want to talk...or was sleep. so i figured i'd chirp him, one last time and then be done. he answered. he had been sleep. we talked for 20 minutes, with him acting upset we didn't get any qt and me mad that he acted like i was contagious. then he asked me to come see him...and i knew. nothing with meeka. he missed me. he wanted to see me. he wants me. i told him i couldn't, but promised to come tonight. i'm hoping i won't have to go though. i'm really tired and my nose is running and i am mad unattractive right now. it's not like we can make out. but i sooooooo want to just be with him...for just a little while....

and i am so proud of myself...pulling my shit together before freaking out and acting the fuck up and ruining this peace i have...we have. things are so good right now. it's so awesome to love someone as much as i love him...and to finally feel like he loves me back without second guessing all of the time is amazing.

but still like i said...one day at a time...
we just might make it after all.

i called him last night. i was feeling lethargic after writing about him here, there, and the other place, so i needed to hear his voice. i needed to call and have him not answer so i would be justfied and leave a message breathing about how i only wanted to call to say i love you.

but he picked up the phone. he answered and his voice was warm and inviting and inquisitive and i was wary as i responded to his probes, finally relenting to my elation in his answering my call by agreeing to stop and bring him some cigs. i don't know why i did it, i just did. i can't lie and say i didn't want to see him, but i will lie and say that it was exactly what i'd wanted.

he got into the car and smiled his devious grin, his teeth big and white against his dark skin and i had to smile back...it was just too beguiling not to. and we talked a bit aimlessly, until he went on about how short i am...and then somehow, our conversation found purpose. he leaned and kissed me, hugging me close in "butter up" mode, as i asked him what he had wanted for xmas. he smiled. i asked again. he asked for kisses. i cut my eyes at him and asked again. he put my hand on his crotch and kissed my ear. i giggled and asked again. he kissed all over my face. i pouted and pulled away and asked again. he mentioned the phone bill. being as i was expecting to have to blow more than that on him, i agreed. he thinks it's more than it is anyway. i grinned at him and asked for more kisses. he smiled big and leaned in to oblige.

and so we talk some more.

for almost 4 hours, he sat there holding and stroking my hand while we talked about everything possible...besides us. at least not directly. we talked about love, dreams, work, money, and resolutions. we talked about friends and somehow he started a conversation about loyalty and devotion and that somehow led to me. he was saying something about trusting people and how he doesn't like to tell people his problems because he knows they really don't give a fuck about it.
i don't say shit to people because i know they could care less. i mean, maybe they might say a few words and act all sympathetic, but the moment i walk away, they don't give a fuck about me or my problems.
well...no...i don't think that's true...
i'm not talking about you.
i didn't think you were, i'm just saying...
i mean, there's some people, a couple of people, that might feel my pain...but most would only see it. they don't feel my pain or give a fuck about me flipping out or crying or breaking down or anything...so why even open yourself up to that shit? it's better to just keep to myself and figure shit out on my own. honestly, the only person i can talk to about everything...is you. i don't know what it is. i can tell you any and everything and not feel stupid or embarrased or afraid that you will throw it into my face later on or judge me about it. we're just fly like that. i can confess anything. you're like...my diary, you know? i come to you and i pour my heart out about things i can't talk to no one else about and i'm alright. i swear, you keep me sane. if i didn't have you, i'd probably snap or breakdown or something. it's...i can't explain it. my diary...yeah. wow...i don't know how we got started on this, but...you know what i mean?
yeah...exactly what you mean.

he held my hand tighter as he said this to me, and i sat there listening and nodding, seeing how i really was his confessor, and that was why he tells me all the shit he does, even when it hurts me. i honestly don't think he can help it. sometimes, he gets talkative and reflective and exposed and he pours everything that comes to his mind into me...good and bad. the more he talked, the more i understood him. we fogged up the windows and i had to smack his hands to keep him from drawing more pictures. we smiled alot. we laughed alot. we talked alot. we snuggled alot. it was the most beautiful night i've ever had with him...sitting in the quiet under the stars with my hand cuddled in his as our foreheads kissed. he told me he loved me a few times. he kept asking for kisses. he would stroke my face or thigh with his other hand. he spoke low and quiet and excitedly. he never tried anything more adventurous than holding my hand while stealing a kiss. it was so nice.

for hours, us, like that we were. so loving and peaceful and complete...something so different about his manner and direction. he was tired and drowsy, but every time i told him to go, he would wake up a bit, cuddle me close and talk about something else. the whole time never letting go of my hand. i've never felt more precious.

before he got out, he mentioned how he hadn't tried to make a move or anything...asking if i'd noticed.
yeah...i kind of got that.
good.
why not?
because i didn't want you to think i only wanted you hear for that. we are more than that...so much more. i was content just sitting next to you and holding your soft little hand while you made faces at me. that's why i wanted to see you tonight...just to see you, be with you...and show you that you mean more to me than just some chick i call for ass.
ah...thank you.
it's the least i can do. you deserve it.
thank you, baby.
ah...nothing.
well go ahead in. i don't know why you won't go in...
i could sleep just like this.
you didn't have to stay out so long.
i wanted to.
but you're so tired! why not just go in? you don't need to stay with me.
like i said...you deserve it. anything for my boo boo.
*smiles*
alright bay. i'm a go eat me some cereal and go the fuck to sleep. alright. now you drive safe. be careful bay...serious. call me when you get home.
you'll be sleep.
so...i'll wake up in the morning and see that you're home safe and that's all i need. i love you, thea. give me a kiss.
*kiss*
i love you too.
alright. love you. bye.
bye.

and i sped off and on to home, feeling soft and beautiful and loved and content. last night, he gave me something he hasn't given me in years. he gave me peace. and my heart finally decided what i have to do...

he came to see me last week. it was just last week, but it feels like another lifetime.

yes, last wednesday, he "accidentally" chirped me and woke me up...oddly out of dreams about him coming to see me. so i was rightly freaked out when his voice filled the room, especially since i didn't know i had reactivated the r-link. i answered, he apologized, i hung up. he didn't call back. i was livid. i mean, ok...had he even noticed that we hadn't spoken in like a week and the first time we do finally speak, we don't even have a conversation? didn't that bother him?

so i go to get dressed, so angry that tears film my eyes, and finally i pick up the phone to link him back and curse him out. as i begin to puch the button, my phone vibrates and i have a missed call. he had linked me just as i was trying to link him. i call him back. he says it was a mistake again. i can feel the sadness in the back of my throat as i croak ok and move to hang up, when he tells me to hold on, asks me what's been going on and what i've been up to. and we talk.

after we hung up, he called back like 10 minutes later. he asked me to give him a ride. i flipped out but he said he was right around the corner at the train station. he had been talking to me the whole ride. i told him i could give him a ride, and before i could even finish, he was walking through my bedroom door scaring the shit out of me.

we chit chatted. we sipped his white lable. he jumped on me. we fooled around. i was late to work.

during our chatting after our romp, my phone rang. i looked to see who it was and he looked too and asked me who it was and when i shook my head i could see him get kind of aggrivated. 2 minutes later, his phone rings. we look at each other and laugh uncomfortabaly. i don't say anything as he lets it ring, but i knew by the way he looked when it rang he knew who it was. i look away from him. he starts explaining. i tell him not to bother, but he insists on it anyway. he sits next to me then, and shows me his phone and goes through all the names and numbers to tell me who's calling him...who he talks to. he said he's not fucking around with any of them, and i know the names except for two. i ask what it matters, and he says just to show that he's not lying or fucking a bunch of girls like i think. i wanted to cry then...because we were both so determined to prove to the other that nothing is what we think. but then if that's true...why is everything so fucked up?

he called me the next day, this time really needing a ride from the train to a job interview. i turn around and go get him. he keeps thanking me in the car and tells me about the job. my phone rings. it's eric. dooley tries to crane his neck to see who it was, so i answer it and talk to eric for a few minutes. so while i'm on the phone, he decides to call someone, but i saw his look of relief when i asked eric why he always talks about bitches when he calls. i guess he figured that it could only be a friend. i found his reaction amusing. we sat in the car a few minutes and talked. he was sick. had the walking flu, which was what i had told him the day before, but i guess his mom mom had to say it for him to believe it. we smiled a lot. laughed a bunch. he kissed me goodbye and i went to work. and he didn't call me again for few days.

xmas eve, i was a wreck. not because of him, because of the holiday. i cried a lot. stared at the walls a lot. drank alot. smoked alot. thought alot. cried some more. all day xmas, my stomach was in knots because he hadn't called. i knew he wouldn't call. i told myself if he was really that fucked up he couldn't call me, he would stay blocked and i would turn the phone off and forget i ever knew him. i saw it. it was clear to me. then he called. he wished me a merry xmas and we talked for a bit. he wanted to know why i sounded so sad, and oddly he wanted to make sure it wasn't because of us. he called me sweetheart, boo boo, and gorgeous...talking to me while he talked to his family. he kept asking what was wrong and seemed so concerned and loving and i started to cry again. i don't know why. everything just fell on me at once and i couldn't breathe. we hung up with i love you...with him saying it loud as hell in front of his friends and family and telling me to cheer up. i thanked him for calling and he shushed me. it's nothing sweetheart. you're my boo boo!

and today i feel like i am suffocating. i've blocked him on my phone again (he got a reprieve for the xmas call, but after no follow up call, he was blocked again). my heart is aching. my mind is tumbling over thousands of evil thoughts and i am hating him. i just caught myself. i just looked at the date on my computer. i just fucking talked to him sunday. i just fucking saw him twice last week. and here i am, acting like it's been forever since i heard his voice or seen him face. what the fuck is that? i'm acting like the world is collapsing because i haven't heard from him in 2 days! i'm pissed at him when he hasn't done anything. hurt when nothing has happened. crazy by my own accord.

a new year is coming and i think before it comes, i have to make a desicion once and for all to accept this or to walk away.

i can't keep making myself crazy like this.
i need to just love him...or let him go.

i haven't heard from him since wednesday. he's still blocked on my phone. i've turned off the r-link thinking, if he links me and can't get through, he'll call me. i haven't gotten a call or a text so i doubt that he's linked me.

i know...it's not even a week yet. but it's a week before xmas. he doesn't celebrate, but i fucking do. he could call and ask how the shopping was going, how work was going...have i missed him. but there's nothing but silence.

every time i think about calling him, i stare at his face and those words across it, and i snap my phone shut. he will always be restricted...until he either sets himself or me free...we will forever be bound by these contraints. i wish he trusted me. i wish he could stop confusing me with other women and give me the benefit of the doubt. i wish he didn't resent me for knowing him so well and loving him still.

i lay alone at night and cry. not because of him as much anymore, but because of the holidays. i'll be alone for xmas and new year's...again. i thought last year would be the last time i'd be alone on those days...at least for awhile. but here they are...he's home...and i'm alone.

i am refusing to call and he just doesn't bother to call, yet when we talk to each other our last words are always i love you.

how is it possible to love someone you don't even want to talk to anymore?